At the difference a good night’s sleep makes on my attitude and perspective. Last night’s action packed movie – Casino Royale – was all tensed up and nowhere to go, but still provided the cathartic effect of lifting me out of the dull routine of contemplation and hesitation and put me in a more actionable state of mind.
Let the festivals begin!
Kathleen Blanco announced yesterday that she would not seek the Louisiana governor’s position again. If we could get Nagin to do the same we might be able to open the door for any hope this government will help us work towards a recovery. I feel for Blanco – in tears and overwhelmed by the catastrophe that struck – I don’t feel for Nagin who has been in hiding since the storm. I wish they would have both stepped aside earlier when it was obvious to everyone that they were incapable of leading this state, this city, into the recovery we deserve and could have with the right leadership.
Saw E today with all the accounts of what is and what isn’t and she said all of it is normal – from my reluctance to move forward having given everything emotionally I had to give to N, to my surprise at S for becoming a cook and social butterfly post-marriage, to my intolerance of any man who picks on me – and in the last year or so I’ve had a few. It’s all part of the same plan. I’ve changed, he never was, he’s changed, they are the same.
She said I need a push – I need to force myself out of my circle and insert myself again in the game. Blah blah blah.
I don’t like what I see of the game, I say to her. She says, enlarge your circle.
What if I am comfortable here? I tell her. Didn’t you tell me living is not about being comfortable.
Allow what’s done to fade away so you can get on with your life – the horoscope says today.
I’m done with the past, it’s just that um, well, I’m guarded about the present – rightfully so – a wounded animal doesn’t offer her belly meats to another hunter.
She says, if someone picks on you, tell them they are hurting your feelings. Tell them specifically what they are doing because maybe they are not introspective and might not be able to put 2 and 2 together and know that their criticisms are biting, scathing, and unwelcome.
It’s all so daunting sometimes – so much easier to just tuck in and think small.
Small is safe.
Damn, just writing that makes me nauseous. Who is this person? I don’t know her at all.
Still waiting to hear about the refi and in the meanwhile, everything is on pause. Went to the dentist this morning and as he fixed a tooth that chipped, I worried about the whole falling apart stage – feet in bandages, eyesight on the blink, dental work that will require a mere $20K – how to roll with it and not fear what lies ahead – the uncertainty.
Called a bunch of media sources today that all had just an air – a touch – of desperation in their voices that didn’t sit well with me. Kind of like conversations that ended with “well Rachel, say your prayers we get this account we are pitching tomorrow” – what’s up with this world? – the economic data (other than housing) is not looking so bad – how is it that industries are under such pressure and yet the economic data is painting a different picture?
Bush wants to send 30,000 more troops to Iraq – I don’t want the troops he has there there. I remember as we went into this war this sinking feeling that I had no control over this – that we were going to war, wrongly, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it and the future seemed uncertain.
It was particularly acute when I went to see Lewis Lapham speak on a panel about what to do about going to war and I walked out, into the San Francisco chill (a pervasive feeling there) and thought, they don’t know jack shit. No one knows jack shit.
There is a letting go that needs to happen just to survive – but what are the things we should try to control? to predict? to strive for?
If ever there was a place such as this – it would be exactly where I’d want to be – I trailed a pelican along the bayou in Blue as I drove out to Target to get another DVD since mine was kaput – the woman behind the counter had gold long fingernails – it was about 79 degrees – I pulled back up to the LaLa and was happy to be going through the door.
My calendar is filling up again – that time of year here – Tennessee Williams Fest, French Quarter Fest, Jazz Fest……the list of festivals in the Gambit was dumbfounding.
Wednesday at the Square is starting up soon – here’s the line up
2007 EVENT SCHEDULE
April 4 – The Iguanas / Hot 8 Brass Band
April 11 – Cowboy Mouth / Track Rabbit
Apr. 18 – Irma Thomas / Jake Smith
Apr.25 – subdudes / Paul Cebar & the Milwaukeeans
May – Marcia Ball / Paul Sanchez
May 9 – The Radiators / Robert Fortune Band
May 16 – Sonny Landreth / The Bluerunners
May 23 – Terrance Simien / Amanda Shaw
May 30 – Beausoleil / Ghost Town
June 6 – Trombone Shorty & Orleans Ave / The Hons
June 13 – Walter Wolfman Washington / 101 Runners
June 20 – Bag of Donuts / The Sanchez Twins
I signed up for an experiment in open source journalism this morning – fascinating idea. After completing a survey of my colleagues about media, and yes they are biased towards print journalism, I was impressed how many believe that newspapers will survive 20 years from now even if most of the information moves online. What’s more impressive is who gathers, writes, and distributes that news. As well as what is news. I’ve tried for years to watch local news and the SKY IS FALLING headlines just drove me insane, the NYT is oft times too caught up in the esoteric aspect of world news, while People is downright silly in what they consider a priority in our lives – blogs have won out for me lately – but I think this experiment might kick it up a notch to quote our own private carpet bagger here in New Orleans – the Portuguese/Cajun chef.
The weekend passed with me limping around on this bandaged foot – times is passing and I slowed down (or was forced to via my foot) enough to notice. There’s the movies to be made to PR for New Orleans, there’s the volunteering that needs to be done to help in some small way, there is the child(ren) to adopt, my mother to visit, birthday gifts and cards, baby gifts, novels unread, films unwatched, music unheard, and then there is the lull after the high of committing to a major remodel in New Orleans post everything.
Ahhh.
I sat on the porch this sunny gorgeous spring day and watched a pelican loop and dive bomb fish in the bayou. I had gone over to TL’s early to watch the Tennessee basketball game with G and then had gone by La Vita for a bite to eat. The pelicans – Arlene – a white bean appetizer – the sunlight in the living room – all make everything more palatable.
A girlfriend called me and apologized for not calling back last week but said she has been depressed – money, men, an injury, you know the drill. Right before she called I was speaking to a guy at my house who was bemoaning the city and his wife and the general state of things and if he were in California maybe things would be different. It’s not us – yes, we have Katrina – but the world has 9/11, tsunami, and Katrina on its mind as well as George Bush, Iraq, and the economy. No one knows what to do, what they should be doing, only that something should be done, by someone.
So N woke the Bean and I up this morning ringing the doorbell and her arrival in the AM has been signalled by “I know it was a 44” from Who Shot The LaLa – an interesting choice for her to be introduced by – nevertheless, she took the Bean who was reluctant and wanted her toy elephant instead of a walk with Renny and I sat down to a cup of tea and the rest of my O magazine, which this month has been particularly good (five years ago the thought of quoting O would have sent me to my grave, but I do not surround myself with those pretentious thoughts anymore), as its theme is dealing with crisis. I was in midread of an article by an author whose adopted daughter had found her birth mother and I started tearing up right from the get go. I kept trying to shake it off – shrug it off – but it haunts me like nothing else in my life.
I was driving uptown yesterday morning and a memory of Wade laughing real hard when we played knock knock came into my mind all of a sudden and again that old punch to the stomach feeling came over me – that he is gone from my life.
I tried to focus on who is in my life – Jake and Abby – and one coming – as well as others – and I know it is a matter of focusing that will guide me through the days. After all I still miss the “family” I thought Steve and I would create with 10 different miscarriages that all belonged to the same dream.
The Bean came back and quickly picked up her elephant and licked my bandaged foot. N handed me a lucky bean that she had gotten yesterday at the St. Joseph’s altar. I have a lucky bean was what I thought as I looked at Arlene, whose two different colored eyes signify good luck here in the south.
I read this this morning –
QUOTATION OF THE DAY
“Why me?”
KATHARINE MOSER, who discovered she carries the gene for Huntington’s disease, the incurable brain disorder.