One of the things that I found hardest about trying to be a fiction writer was not the rejections – I actually enjoyed reading the rejection letters – instead it was the rewriting. It’s why I found the format of a blog to be so aligned with who I am. I wanted to write from a rawness not rewrite to flawlessness. The energy that goes into what first spills out is often refined and rehoned so that the original feeling that put the sentiment down gets whittled away – into a cliché perhaps, into a more palpable feeling.
Yesterday, I began my day believing that I had put certain elements in play so that this year would be about building towards something, and despite the fact that my work with my life coach has been about staying centered while meteorites come at me, and my spiritual work has been about waking up with faith that the day will provide and the night will find me grateful, and my work with my therapist has been about identifying the patterns that keep me from growth – yesterday I found myself face to face with my demons, my fears, and more importantly uncertainty.
I woke after a sleepless night wishing my father were still alive and taking care of me because although he was not a conventional father if one of those actually exists, his presence was always comforting to me, as a child – a familiar comfort.
Yesterday, I kept pulling my tools out of my tool belt – I walked with Tin over to Maple Street and bought the Power of Now (my copy had been lent to a friend), I told myself I always land on my feet, I made a commitment to my meditation, I chose not to panic, I summoned my faith, and I kept battling my fears and saboteurs like the good warrior I’ve become.
Tin was sick yesterday and while he was napping, a friend stopped by and I sat on the stoop and told her what was going on. She said, “Are you crying?” I said, not really, I’m just weary from the uncertainty. She said, you just need to have faith that everything will work out. And I said I’m working on it.
I stopped by a friend’s house to say hi last night after transitioning Tin to the Blue House. I asked her if she believed in signs and she said she wasn’t big on that because she never could actually interpret what the signs were supposed to mean. She said to me I always land on my feet and I should be aware of that fact.
It’s hard to know what to do next when you don’t have something specific you want to happen. We all want to be comfortable, for things to feel right, for our true self to shine in our relationships, our work, our love. We want to be confident in knowing the ease of when we are where we should be, with whom we should be, and we are who we should be.
My friend sent me this in the morning:
Life is confusing when you don’t have a roadmap, but its even more confusing when you don’t have faith that the grid will fill itself in and that’s the way I’m trying to fly here – freer, less me-directed and more open and allowing for development of all the things that I can’t know about, because I don’t know everything now, more is being revealed, and I’m open and receptive to me becoming.