Archive for July, 2005

Marin is Detox

Sunday, July 31st, 2005

Unfortunately not in Marin and as Oscar Wilde says – the only thing to do with temptation is to yield to it – again and again. 36 hours of no celebration makes it difficult to remember what the temptation was in the first place. It could have something to do with the petite nun who walks by just as we are leaving playdate. More than likely temptation is always there but in different guises – “you were there?” – yes, as a matter of fact.

Trying to retrace the steps but they are starting to blur, was it that long ago, or recently? Four (five) times this month I have attempted to become emphemeral and thought huh, look at that, and then poof you crawl back inside your own body and take comfort there. Twice I have had a visceral pang.

Jake may need a helmet but that is not so bad.

Renny turns needy when Zeus is here. What is it with these elders that are jealous of the needs of the youngers – haven’t they had enough?

Breakfast of Champions

Thursday, July 28th, 2005

Cig at 4AM in keeping with the derelict life that is expected of you here. Tortured dinner and a quick drop off. Let me guess? Off to Rick’s to console yourself with unfamiliar ass. I was hoping at 3:30 this morning for an objective observer to just crash on in and say, yeah you’re right, you don’t have to accept selfish behavior yet again. Disappointment over a present. What I would have said to S at 2:30 is it could all be goody if you could just reign in the myopic selfishness – at 6:15 with three dogs pulling in different directions and no help in sight, I fell back to thinking if S was standing in front of me all I’d say is “fuck you.”

In the beginning

Wednesday, July 27th, 2005

There was rain and lots of it. Morning off to a sweet start then crisis disrupts the rhythm. The dogs are barking because they all three want the tennis ball and there is only one. L is ready for his nubile houseguest to go – worried about how it looks from the outside but more than that knows how it looks from the inside. Waiting for B to give the green light and as usual the waiting becomes the focus. Woman this morning said it must have been hard to leave California – no, it wasn’t. In fact, not eager to leave here even for temporary travel. D said all her friends are moving away because it is so expensive there – told her time to make new friends – she said she’s too old. 36? Since when is that old. And yet they killed the big alligator in Pointe Noir because village people have been disappearing. Like it’s a bad thing. Severina impressed by W’s affection towards me – why not? We’ve always had a special bond. People want things in consistent hard fast categories to feel in control of their own lives. It’s an illusion. J said this morning he’s never seen it like this – so many misses – we’ve been here before I told him. Why do some things feel so right – even when they’re aren’t?