I had my reflective meditative day undisturbed even by T who tiptoed around me so as not to break my trance. I re-read past writings I’ve done around this holiday and found one entry peculiarly disconcerting. It was way back in San Francisco, walking along the streets and running into a man name Santos, who pulled me to come have a coffee with him and I did. He told me to focus on other things that making money because there was plenty of money in the world and so few good writers.
There was also a quote from my mother, something she told me back in 1998 saying that she was in trouble in school because she had kicked the teachers. She’s still kicking people now in the hospital. Some habits die hard.
But more importantly, having read through some entries that date back now almost twenty years, I saw the girl in me always trying to improve, always trying to figure out how to keep my weight down, my savings up, and to keep my heart and mind open in the process. Every year, I wished extra hard for my brother David, my sister Sarah, and my mother to be able to overcome their obstacles and be happy.
Perhaps, I should just be content with my mother telling me she’s happy yesterday in the hospital – said out of the blue, devoid of any context.
Things ahead look messy and uncertain, things in back of me seem cogent and fated, as if connecting the dots reveals all.
Happy New Year.