I went out to walk the dog, notice no plural, this morning and it was a breeze. I was able to walk Heidi off leash and she listened to all commands and we passed other dogs and I didn’t tense up or get vexed because of another dog in the midst. I took a big deep breath. And then a nag came in and I felt sad that Loca was not with me, and happy that she was in the country, and suddenly anxious that now I have one monkey off my back, another might show up.
One monkey don’t stop no show – or at least the shit show that my mind has been in.
I told myself that it’s okay. That’s it’s okay to have taken a dog that I loved and had for years to live somewhere else, with someone who has the capacity to love her and care for her, and I told myself that it didn’t mean my doing it would result in something bad now going to happen. I told myself this several times. Then I went and reread something Nicole Douget wrote in her blog – about how sometimes these things happen and it’s okay. It’s really okay.
Yesterday, after meditation we began reading Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind, and I had missed last week’s beginning where they talked about shoshin, the beginner’s mind. “People say that practicing Zen is difficult, but there is a misunderstanding as to why. It is not difficult because it is hard to sit in the cross-legged position, or to attain enlightenment. It is difficult because it is hard to keep our mind pure and our practice pure in its fundamental sense. … The goal of practice is to always keep our beginner’s mind. … You might easily lose your original attitude towards it.”
I am like the warrior who has come home from battle and has her armor still on. I am waiting for the next shoe to drop. And I need to let that go. It is okay that Loca is in the country. It is okay that I have relieved myself of a burden I couldn’t bear. It is okay to love and let go.
I ran into a friend and he asked me what the word of the day is – I said, “Imperfection.” Know it, accept it, move on. He said that if I was a fish, I’d be a redfish. A common species in Louisiana.