I was speaking to a colleague the other day about living in New York and he said New York is a place where when things are going well they are hyper well and when things suck they super suck. I arrived in New York this afternoon on a wave of melancholy – seeing my mom on Sunday looking almost not human just sank my heart to the ground.
This evening I wandered into at an art supply store after dinner and saw a tin box of ink stamps and it made me think of what my mother gave me for Hanukkah last year – a tin of stamp pads with leaves and flowers. I burst into tears and had to just hang out in the aisle for a minute before I could join the rest of the world.
I’m in grief purgatory with mom not dead but not alive – and all of the memories I have of her compound the emotions with good memories and sad ones.
We heard back from the birthmother on Thanksgiving just like nothing had ever happened. I went into a funk but a long walk on the beach alone with T and Loca helped me get my spirits back. The good part is she is due soon, the bad part is that we have no faith in this process anymore. We’ve been wrung out of all emotional good will (not to mention cash).
New York – I sit here typing by the window that overlooks building after building after building. Out in the streets there are restaurants and shops and bars and cafés and a couple arguing on one corner and a drunk young man speaking to his friend in his OUTSIDE voice. And me, I feel like this might be one of those days when your wretchedness is matched by the weather, the loneliness of the city, and this feeling that I just want 2009 to FUCKING END.