A nice chat with S to catch up on work and personal issues and she tells me she is trying to keep her chin up – I told her my thoughts today were about fear and what a counterproductive emotion it can be. Her son sent me a drawing of a saguaro cactus with my name on it – I have it taped on the wall. It seems to me all the revelations that have popped up over the course of the last year have centered around fear. “I couldn’t give you what you wanted out of fear.” “I fear I might fall in love with you; be in love with you; only want you cause you adore me.” S and I talked about how much fear underlies our daily work – fear of getting the story, fear of it being accurate, fear of losing clients’ money, fear of not measuring up to one’s colleagues – it’s amazing we can get through a work day with all this fear handicapping our every move.
And magnifiy that with fear of the next hurricane, fear of the next terrorist attack, fear crime is coming back quickly to New Orleans, fear fear fear. Micro fears of not being able to afford LaLa, affording it then losing it, fear, fear, fear. It’s enough to paralyze you. You have to live with it – coexist with it – and not focus on it.
L insinuated this morning that I am a little bit of a Polly Anna – the times when I haven’t been were based on fear – irrational fear that practically immobilized me – the first time was when my father died and I feared the world because he was my great protector – the next time was moving back to California in ’95 which I now think I feared the banishment of me – and yet I trained to overcome these fears and to embrace life and all of its complexities. Seriously – training – I learned that life is not meant to be comfortable – you have to live with fear – and once you know that your world fans open in wondrous ways.
So what to do – only thing to do is make a list – top of my list is to go hear music, if we are going to hell in a handbasket, I want to go listening to music – and so Willie Nelson next week, then it’s BeauSoleil, Marcia Ball, Radiators, Iguanas, Pretty Girls, Cowboy Mouth, Subdudes – and let’s not forget two jam packed weekends of Jazz Fest. Thankfully I live where the music is so I don’t have to fear I am missing out.
A long wonderful bike ride on a beautiful day – rode along with no hands as P had showed me how to do when he was here – along the lakefront a middle aged guy rode by slowly on a Harley with a big fat cigar in his mouth and winked – the lighthouse is still crushed and on its side – ride back was slower while cars were rushing all around trying to get home – sliding into the weekend – dance card full – itsy bitsy progress on the LaLa – all the promise of tomorrow still there.