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We are all naturally creative, resourceful and whole.

This is what I’m trying to remember when I’m dealing with people or situations that threaten to undermine my sanity. You realize why, don’t you? Because I, Rachel Dangermond, am a caretaker. And if you digest that statement – we are all naturally creative, resourceful and whole – then you can reassure yourself that people don’t need you to take care of them. They don’t.

I’ve begun these long, long nights of sleep – ten hours, twelve hours, and now I’m up later than my usual bedtime and I know it’s because today, I put my best foot forward and was surprised to see people behaving poorly and situations moving sideways. When you are standing in your center you can see very clearly how muddled things become with the turn of a phrase, or the wrong timing, or simply meeting at the wrong intersection.

So tonight, I’m going to lay my head down and not worry about the muddle. I’m going to lay my head down on my narrow bed and dream of mermaids and unicorns and let the rest of the world spin out of control, while I slumber.

A friend stopped by with her kids for a playdate. She commented on how good it feels in this apartment, here with all I need, and how she misses her cottage that was exchanged recently for a mansion – “I miss this!” – I told her I’m glad she shared that with me because I do feel so comfortable here and its smallness is only one of the reasons.

We are all naturally creative, resourceful and whole.

The part of me that I inherited from my mother, the rose colored glasses, the Pollyanna, is my best approach to life – it’s the part of me that gives me the most clarity. It’s only when I drag the past into the future that I obliterate the present.

Taking a stand for myself now is about facing down the past.

“I like the Red House,” said Tin.

Lyrics to The World Is Falling Down by Abbey Lincoln

There are some folks
I used to know
Who used to smile
And say hello,
And spin the world
And turn the page
Entertaining
From the stage
Father time
Forever true
Loves its own
And me and you
Disappear just like the sun,
When the day is done.
The world is falling down,
hold my hand
It’s a lonely sound,
hold my hand
We’ll follow the breeze
And go like the wind
And look for a place
Where the willows bend
The world is falling down,
Hold my hand, hold my hand,
Hold my hand, hold my hand
Summer’s gone
And winter’s here
We had a lot of rain this year
The news is really very sad
The time is late,
The fruit is bad
The morning’s come
And roosters crow
But people have no place to go
And disappear
Just like the sun
When the day is done
The world is falling down
Hold my hand
It’s a lonely sound
Hold my hand
We’ll follow the sun
And live for the day
And look for a place
Where the children play
The world is falling down
Hold my hand,
Hold my hand
Hold my hand
Hold my hand

It will all be okay in the end.
If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.

I have so many friends and family that I did not send holiday cards to and now it seems a little after the fact. Particularly, because my holiday card would have too much information in it and would sound like the outline to a older age bildungsroman. I walked Heidi through the park this morning after Tatjana took Tin to school and I came across one of my park buddies. We were talking about his property that he has been struggling to hang onto post Federal Flood and he said his grown son, who is successful, was telling him to hold onto it. I said that sounds like a young man’s vision. Later, same walk, I ran into another friend who said she had found the opportunity to downsize but when faced with the reality of selling and moving froze, and now she is unsure what to do because her dream had been to die in the house she is in, so she might rent, or rent half, or … . I just said dreams change – when you die, you won’t care where it is.

Dreams change, change is good, change is normal. So my missive that will be missed this year to all my loved ones goes something like this – I know how to change my life. I know how to begin again. It’s not because I have done this so many times that it has gotten easier or less painful, it’s that I know when change is required, and I’m not scared of change, and this time I needed big changes.

On Sunday, after a lazy morning, Tin and I walked down to the lot for him to see it for the first time. It was a gorgeous sunny day despite the weather forecast that had called for a bitter cold weekend.

The offer letter is being sent to the bank today.

The LaLa:

Two: The symbolic meaning of number Two is kindness, balance, tact, equalization, and duality. The number Two reflects a quiet power of judgment, and the need for planning. Two beckons us to choose. The spiritual meaning of number Two also deals with exchanges made with others, partnerships (both in harmony and rivalry), and communication. Two urges us out of our indecision, calls us to unite with like-minds, and like-ideals. Two asks us to exert our natural flow of judgment to do what is best for our souls.

The Red House:

Six: The symbolism behind number Six is legend. With Venus as its ruler, Six represents harmony, balance, sincerity, love, and truth. Six naturally reveals solutions for us in a calm, unfolding manner. We invoke the Six when we need delicate diplomacy when dealing with sensitive matters. The spiritual meaning of number Six also deals with enlightenment; specifically “lighting” our path in areas we require spiritual and mental balance. Sixes beckon us to administer compassion and consciously choose forgiveness in a situation.

The “new” House:

Nine: The spiritual meaning of number Nine bring us to the very height of vibrational frequencies in this number sequence. Nine represents attainment, satisfaction, accomplishment, and our success to achieve an influence in our circumstances. The spiritual meaning of number Nine deals with intellectual power, inventiveness, influence over situations and things. Nine beseeches us to recognize our own internal attributes, and extend these abilities out into the world to make a positive, influential difference.

Once you’ve been in crisis mode, you sometimes forget you are writing a new book, not a new chapter, which is what is going on now. At Zumba yesterday, as we circled up afterwards to say why we’re blessed or why we’re stressed, someone said they have decided that every time they go to the place in their head that plays out the negative tape, they are going to turn the switch off and record a new tape. The one that says everything is going to be okay. Or better yet, it’s going to be fabulous!

Friday was the beginning of beginnings – of all good things – it started by closing on the LaLa’s sale on Friday morning and this is the final treat in a very celebratory lunch:

And then, Saturday was chock-a-block full – Tin and I went to see a play about runaway slaves at the National Historic Jazz Park, which was well worth the trip – it was Tin’s first play:

Afterwards, we went to the Presbytere and saw an exhibit on Mardi Gras that was pretty cool; one exhibit in particular lets you re-enact the experience of being on a float throwing to the crowds below – awesome. And we saw the Baby Doll exhibit, because I’m seriously considering becoming a Baby Doll for next Mardi Gras:

In Jackson Square, Tin made a wish for “a street” in the fountain (read: a new found obsession with Cars – read again: no matter how much you keep things from your child, media is so pervasive, they will know):

At Camelia Grill, for waffles, I bargained away the chocolate shake but the waiter fell in love with Tin and gave him one gratis:

We stopped into the Healing Center to write our offer letter on the lot and visit with Fatma and her mother. Later, Tin and Suleyman went to pick oranges from the neighbor’s back yard:

Last night, Tatjana came over for risotto dinner and delicious Croatian wine. Tin was spending the first night in the Red House – his name for the new apartment and this morning I woke to a nightmare where I was being affectionate with someone I was very interested in and they kept spurning my overtones. I wondered where on earth that was coming from as I got out of bed and it occurred to me that it wasn’t about anything to come, it was about traces of my past, the past I buried back there under the funeral pyre at the LaLa.

Tin asked me late last night, before I turned the lights off, “Will you be nearby while I’m asleep?” Oh yeah, we are writing and living our narrative together, son, and this book is entitled: Waking Up In Paradise.

“You are on the eve of a complete victory. You can’t go wrong. The world is behind you.” – Josephine Baker

Yesterday, I opened a new book, unwritten, but full of all the hope and optimism that any good book’s first page offers. And I dedicate this new book to yesterday because in that day I was touched by many people who pushed me forward into today. The first person was my son, who showed me that no matter what you are doing, or what is going on with you, if you approach it with a sense of fun, imagination and irreverence you can get through anything. This is us having lunch in my new backyard after I had spent the morning on my hands and knees scrubbing out the LaLa to get it ready for its final inspection while Tin played the plunger like a trombone and created a rap song.

The next person was my new neighbor who used to be my old neighbor across the bayou, who is in the midst of a major remodel who stopped to talk and suddenly we found ourselves describing our past long marriages and having kids and being over 50. He said to me that he stayed in his marriage for his children and it almost killed him.

Then I was finishing up with the plumber who couldn’t get the washing machine to work, and the floor furnace guy who said I couldn’t have the room situated the way it was to use the furnace, and the now washing repair man who couldn’t come until next Friday and the therapists and lawyers who couldn’t help me get to a binding agreement and I had almost forgot about the closing ceremony for the LaLa when I had to go retrieve Bam Bam and return him to his new owners when I saw Tin and Tatjana on the bayou and remembered that I had put Tin’s training wheels back on his bike since it is too big for him still and I told him and he got so excited that he wanted to get on it and so then I caught up with them and went around the bayou.

Then I wanted to go to Zumba so I could just dance and forget about my cares and I was on my way back to the LaLa to put the bike back in the nun’s garage because I haven’t transferred my bike yet (again, no room anywhere) when I passed my good friend’s house who had a visitor from Texas [which reminded me that earlier I had seen that bumper sticker DON’T MESS WITH TEXAS and I had thought I would get one that said I MESS WITH TEXAS, but I digress] – a guy who I had spoken with about transitions and life’s journey as he had almost died of heart failure and been resurrected by a miraculous operation that saved him and had been in a relationship that fell apart when he became whole again and he is looking to make the most of every day of his life and he asked if I had had my closing ceremony and I said no, but let’s do it right now and he ran with me to the LaLa that is now cleaned out of every trace of me – even the vacuum bag was thrown away afterwards – and I took those glass panes and I wrote in indelible ink each dream that had gone awry and I placed it over the OTR GETAWAY beach towel and we each took one of the two granite samples from the architecture firm in San Francisco that I have carried around with me for years and we shattered each one of those dreams. Then I took the journals and lit a smudge stick and set fire to each book – all under the watchful eyes of Yemaya, the mother ocean goddess, and all with a glass of champagne to toast.

Then we went back to my friend’s for a minute while the visitor played classical guitar under the starlight and I jumped in the truck to head to Zumba when I got word that it was cancelled and so instead I came to my new home, the Red House, which is what my new apartment is called by Tin [always little boys naming my houses for me] and took my first shower there and walked down the street with a friend to Santa Fe, and at dinner she told me that she had reached a point in her life where she was done with her family’s expectations for her to take care of each one of them — she’s done, done, done. [I have basically decided this person is my twin sister from different mothers, even though her mother reminds me in so many ways of my mother.]

And I came home and I dreamed of my own mother and my sister. My mother wanted to be taken to the hospital to die and later the doctor had called me and said that my mom was trying to take her finger off in order to get her wedding ring off [and I knew my mom wanted to make sure my sister got the ring that she had been asking for specifically all our lives] – the doctors said she couldn’t arrive to kill my mother until 7PM and I realized I had to go, I had to get to the hospital, I had to be there with my mom right then and there, and so I was in class and I went racing down the stairs to my sister’s class and my sister said, which was a lie, “I was already there this morning,” which would have been impossible since I had taken my mother into the hospital myself in the afternoon, and I woke up.

That’s right I woke up. I woke up and realized I keep re-meeting people in my life who force me to play out earlier interactions and to not necessarily get them right this time around, but more to understand them and me in those relationships. The archetype that was front and center was the person who does nothing to deserve all that they get and my recurring feeling of my not getting what I deserve even when I ask for it specifically.

The journey of self awareness, of self actualization, begins by understanding why you behave certain ways with certain people and how to break out of the repetitions that keep you from growing and evolving and ultimately from being happy. The journey is also about being very aware when growth happens, so you may celebrate each milestone with a proper ceremony and with worthy people.

To all of you who have helped me on my journey and especially yesterday, I am forever grateful.

Okay so Alice – you are spot on! – admitting you have a problem is a new beginning. I, Rachel Dangermond, am a hoarder!

And today, I started early packing, schlepping, cleaning and letting go of stuff. And I’ll be damn if by 8 pm I was not done moving – and here is what I accomplished:

1) copious small boxes and bags were moved to the new apartment and now are spread like invasive foliage throughout the jungle apt.
2) I came to terms with my hoarding self and decided when I move again I will have a reverse house warming – I will place stuff on a table and have everyone take something instead of bring something.
3) I found Blacky a new home!!! – I talked my mover guy into taking her – his daughter fell in love with the cat – and I gave him $100 plus a month’s worth of food!
4) Bam Bam was found! – He has been at my neighbor’s who didn’t have my cell and her message got lost in my landline during the switch over from LaLa to Grand Route.
5) I’m spending my first night at the apartment – yay.
6) Here was the view as I was unloading – a completely different view from the muted hues of sunlight bouncing off the houses – now I am seeing the blazing glory of the setting sun – lovely!

7) As I drove over to my new apartment the crescent moon was hanging and smiling in the ink blue sky.

It’s all going to be okay.