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My Yemaya candle burned out and so I went to the Botanica on Broad to get another. I ran into an acquaintance there and she was getting the same candle. She said that during the Federal Flood her daughter, older than Tin, was born and her partner split and she came back to a house she bought for $55,000 and had just completed the renovation. So this was her moving in candle – a candle of gratitude.

I said well, I’m on the opposite end of Fortuna’s Wheel, as I split my husband during Federal Flood and was now moving out the house that I spent years renovating because I’ve decided to downsize. She gave me another candle – one that is to unblock roads – all roads – roads to love, roads to success, roads to happiness, peace, and joy.

Both candles are now lit in the house and today I got another offer on the house. It seems that February is the month I will be moving out of LaLa Land and beginning the next chapter of my story.

I caught up with a source who is around my age, she said that downsizing is not only the trend, it is also part of our age. Who needs all the headaches and worry and upkeep at this juncture. Indeed.

The wheel goes round and round and where it stops, nobody knows.

I went to look at an apartment and the woman said a lot of folks had come through and it was going to be hard to decide who to give it to. I said, “Go with your gut.” And she said that in the past her gut had been wrong. And I heard her, having just gone with my gut for the offer on the house and it having been wrong.

So where do you go when your gut is confused? To your Three Wise Women. Wise woman No. 1 said, “Focus on the tangible part of this argument not the emotional.” Wise woman No. 2 said, “Here is a mental image to have in your mind when talking about things that make you angry, it will make you laugh instead.” Wise woman No. 3 said, “I’m here and you’re not calling enough because I know you are going through a lot and so I expect more phone calls.”

One of the angels brought me barley and shitake mushroom soup last night as comfort food.

Another angel dropped a book off called Catastrophe Living – she said it had worked for her during a similar time in her life.

And yet another angel treated me to lunch – a gluten free pizza and glass of wine.

I feel for the first time in a long time as if I have the clarity I need to effect change in my life, and yet that doesn’t come without a lot of consequences. The Wise Women and Angels are softening the blow.

I bow before you in gratitude.

I am forcing myself to keep in mind that while I slog through the bogeys of my own life, others are not as fortunate as me. Some have woken up this morning to tragedy. Some to war. Some to rape. Some to hunger. Some are in prison too long. Some have no hands. Some no feet. Some are blind. Some cannot hear.

And I, in the midst of the whirling blades looked down at the yard and saw:

I apologized to Tin this morning and he accepted my apology.
I prayed for peace but it didn’t come lightly despite my best efforts.
So I again, shook myself off, and said, this is small, I BELIEVE IN THE BIGGER PICTURE.

And it was at that moment that I looked outward and noticed the crepe myrtles I had planted eight years ago – the branches were dancing with fire.

Yesterday was a grey day, not just because of the fog outside but the murkiness inside as well. Early in the day a conversation turned into a flash point and new hurt stacked on top of old and new anger was kindling to old anger. And so the day unfolded.

Once the layering began it was hard to get back to ground zero.

A full load of work was on top of me. I had to run down to vacuum for the Agent’s Open because Heidi had been in the house shedding. The vacuum wouldn’t turn on. I walked outside to empty the dust pan and the front stairs, where the dry rot began, had now turned into an ugly blight that I tried to fix by driving nails into it, which made it look worse.

And then it came full circle with Tin.

Tin was having his hair cut last night and was acting out as if his little body were sucking in the negative energy all around him. He grew impossible and was flailing around and throwing things and kicking.

Day before yesterday, I was cleaning out a drawer and came across some stickers of Cars from the movie (he has been watching Cars at a friend’s house and has become obsessed with another vehicle with faces much to my dismay). So when he got home that day, I gave him some paper and the stickers and he had them all on a piece of paper and was quite excited about them.

Yesterday, when he got home he went looking for his paper and carried it around all evening.

When his behavior grew sour and he was kicking me, while I was trying to change him into pajamas he kept threatening he was going to rip that paper. And in a flash, I picked it up and ripped it myself.

Not my finest moment.

He began to cry and he said to me, “I don’t like that. You hurt my feelings.”

So we both hugged and cried and I realized he was the adult and I was the kid, and I just wanted to walk off the planet. I went and got scissors and tried to repair the damage.

I spent the night in bed just going over that moment so many times and realized I need to summon reserves here to deal with all that is happening in my life and to make heroic efforts not to have that bleed into being a parent and being an adult around a child who is watching and hanging on every word and vibe that is whirling around him during this upheaval in all of our lives.

I woke this morning with a stone in my throat. “How could I?” I asked myself over and over. I kept hearing his little voice, “You. Hurt. My. Feelings.” And I had to summon forgiveness in myself that this indeed was an episode in bad parenting. A failure on my part to hold the demons at bay from a child who just wants things to remain stable, harmonious, and loving even when he is falling apart.

I had to remember that in me is the same child, the one who just wants things to remain stable, harmonious, and loving even when it is falling apart.

When he wakes this morning, I’ll tell him I’m sorry. That I behaved poorly. And that I will do better.

God help me.

The LaLa had a record Open House on Sunday and record Agent’s Open today and everyone is charmed by her. The powerhouses of real estate were through today and one old salt said, “This is the most unique house I’ve ever been in.” The others were all complimentary as well. It’s nice to know that what I see in this house is seen by others.

But today was a struggle – trying to reach sources, having to leave for the agent’s open, and a foggy grey pall that hung over the city and my head.

I’m incorporating new mantras by the dozen these days and today’s is “Back away from the ledge.”

So this is a photograph of me and my friend Lisa in Puerto Rico in 2008. You’ll notice on the surface that I’ve changed quite a bit from the time this was taken. You’ll also probably read here how different I feel I’ve become since that time.

But look again, the passion and spirit that animates the woman in this photograph is truly still me. For real.

I woke this morning later than usual thanks to Lorzepan. The usually saboteurs that have been hanging around lately were all quiet. I thought about my friendships and how my therapist had said to seek out my friends during this time of upheaval and how that has not been a balm for me.

The reason is simple, I’m making big changes in my life and that provokes fears in others. No matter what their circumstance whether it is happy or miserable, watching someone close to you change their life radically calls into question what you are doing with your life.

So I spoke with my life coach this morning and said that I’m not wanting to entertain my friends right now. She asked me what I need. I said I need my friends to hear me, to respect that I’ve already made up my mind, and that now, I’m seeking their support and for them to bring comfort into my life. So I mentioned my go to people right now – the ones that hear me and respect my decisions and she said, put them on speed dial.

And then we spoke about the funk that arrived yesterday when the house offer fell through and the apartment I imagined was not what I’d imagined and she helped me develop a mantra because as I said, there will be funk even amidst these great changes.

So here’s my mantra when funk knocks on the door:
This is small. I believe in the bigger picture.

And so I told my friend who had been asking me what she can do to support me right now – I need for you to not give me advice even though I have sought it from you before. I need you to offer me a glass of wine and maybe some comfort food and for you to just be there – for me.

After typing that last line, one of my go to friends called and said, “Do you need a glass of wine? Do you want me to take you to lunch?”

Yes.

I’m a woman of urgency. I approach everything and person who comes my way by grabbing them into the mad dash that has been coloring my life for so long, I’m not sure how to let it go. So last night I took a Lorzepan and I slept like a baby.

I dreamt of babies too, lots of them.

A baby rushes to walk and falls repeatedly. Undaunted, it gets up and tries again. A baby rushes to fire unaware that flame burns tender skin. A baby rushes to the street where the action is with no fear that a car will come take its precious life away. They move with no fear until they learn to have fear.

Then a toddler starts saying things like, I don’t want to because that’s scary. I don’t want that because it hurts. I don’t love you because you said no.

Then a toddler grows to become an adult and carries those warnings close as if evil were lurking around every corner in any encounter.

While an adult tries to reach back to its baby state to find openness, and instead heeds caution.

I sat down with my doctor last night at this table and drank a glass of claret and talked about things to come. He said slowly, take it slowly, and you will see that this year will bring more than you expected. No need to rush. You will be surprised by how your resources grow.

So last night, in a deep sleep, I let down the guard and dreamed I was a human being but really a baby. Open with no fear.

So the roller coaster ride that began towards the end of December was one where the car was taking me up up and away. I would send out a message to the world that this is what I want and the world would respond positively. Still there were emotional balls up in the air all around.

Today, there was a setback, and it stopped me in my tracks and I just shook myself and said onward soldier, keep marching despite the grey clouds and cold air. And it made me think how attached I’ve now become to this super fast karmic whiplash and how I perhaps am too attached to it.

Because as we all know and as I have learned too many times to count, there ain’t no good comes that bad isn’t waiting in the wings. And that’s okay. It’s all okay. But you have to recognize the good when you’re in the whirling blades of bad. So, I’m not going to overlook that Tatjana told me something today, which revealed to me she is taking her first step towards transformation – that lucky dime has already started its magic.

The other day I sat on the porch and noticed that the planets were mysteriously aligned and thought a ha! This morning at 4AM when I was out on the porch the planets were not aligned – they were jogging off in a line to the right. I thought it odd but didn’t give it another thought.

Then I looked at an apartment that made me realize what the next year might look like. I’m leaving this beautiful home and building a new one and in the middle is time. Mid afternoon, the offer on the house was supposed to happen but it was not a good one. And it made me think that even if you think you have intuition about something as it is happening, you can still be thrown a curve ball.

So I’m regrouping – the house will sell. I will attend to the details that follow. And life will mosey on down its own mysterious path. I just need to show up. Frankly, I think I’m more upset about Zumba being cancelled tonight than any of the other things that transpired today.

January 07, 2013
Taurus (4/20-5/20)
Hold onto your dreams and don’t let go! You can’t let anyone tell you that what you want won’t ever happen. You have the passionate determination you need to make anything happen, and you don’t need naysayers bringing you down right now. Stand firm. You want what you want, so give it everything you’ve got. Even if it looks hopeless, as long as you have hope in your heart, hope survives! You have a vision of what you want the next year of your life to be. Go out and make it happen.