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Yesterday was a grey day, not just because of the fog outside but the murkiness inside as well. Early in the day a conversation turned into a flash point and new hurt stacked on top of old and new anger was kindling to old anger. And so the day unfolded.

Once the layering began it was hard to get back to ground zero.

A full load of work was on top of me. I had to run down to vacuum for the Agent’s Open because Heidi had been in the house shedding. The vacuum wouldn’t turn on. I walked outside to empty the dust pan and the front stairs, where the dry rot began, had now turned into an ugly blight that I tried to fix by driving nails into it, which made it look worse.

And then it came full circle with Tin.

Tin was having his hair cut last night and was acting out as if his little body were sucking in the negative energy all around him. He grew impossible and was flailing around and throwing things and kicking.

Day before yesterday, I was cleaning out a drawer and came across some stickers of Cars from the movie (he has been watching Cars at a friend’s house and has become obsessed with another vehicle with faces much to my dismay). So when he got home that day, I gave him some paper and the stickers and he had them all on a piece of paper and was quite excited about them.

Yesterday, when he got home he went looking for his paper and carried it around all evening.

When his behavior grew sour and he was kicking me, while I was trying to change him into pajamas he kept threatening he was going to rip that paper. And in a flash, I picked it up and ripped it myself.

Not my finest moment.

He began to cry and he said to me, “I don’t like that. You hurt my feelings.”

So we both hugged and cried and I realized he was the adult and I was the kid, and I just wanted to walk off the planet. I went and got scissors and tried to repair the damage.

I spent the night in bed just going over that moment so many times and realized I need to summon reserves here to deal with all that is happening in my life and to make heroic efforts not to have that bleed into being a parent and being an adult around a child who is watching and hanging on every word and vibe that is whirling around him during this upheaval in all of our lives.

I woke this morning with a stone in my throat. “How could I?” I asked myself over and over. I kept hearing his little voice, “You. Hurt. My. Feelings.” And I had to summon forgiveness in myself that this indeed was an episode in bad parenting. A failure on my part to hold the demons at bay from a child who just wants things to remain stable, harmonious, and loving even when he is falling apart.

I had to remember that in me is the same child, the one who just wants things to remain stable, harmonious, and loving even when it is falling apart.

When he wakes this morning, I’ll tell him I’m sorry. That I behaved poorly. And that I will do better.

God help me.

This entry was posted on Thursday, January 10th, 2013 at 7:08 am and is filed under Main. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.