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There is a card in the Tarot deck of a woman blindfolded with two swords – I like this card because it is about self binding. If she used the sword to cut off the blindfold and turned around she would see the stunning blue ocean behind her.

So it is with everything that you think you can make happen. Take any number of issues that I am juggling right now – my mom, no control over what happens, no strong investment in the outcome as all options lead to the place of no return. Take the adoption – we’re up, we’re down, and suddenly things are starting to seem familiar, like oddly familiar to the last time where we were taken for a ride emotionally and financially and our wanting to believe was soon replaced with we couldn’t believe.

It’s like in life you set up all these cards and you think to yourself that it is so important that they all stand upright just so and when you get the house of cards all situated you pray no one blows too hard in your direction, but then suddenly thinking you are safe in your card structure you turn around and accidentally the entire structure falls apart. That’s called freedom.

Because I feel like I’ve have spent the last year trying to make something happen – trying to make my mother better, or happy, or safe, trying to make a baby whether though T or us or them, trying to be a good worker bee and giving everything I have to make a company a success in challenging times – and you know in the end sometime you just have to back away from it all and let go, and let god.

There are many things I want to do in life and I have been bound by self-imposed walls/tethers. One is to not worry about my mother. The other is to be a parent to a child – not a mother, or a husband, but a child. And along the way, I want to do meaningful work in my life.

I think it is high time I quit trying to make everything and everyone turn out all right and turn inward and follow my own bliss.

There are people who believe that private adoption exploits poor women. I beg to differ. It’s the couples trying to adopt who are exploited left and right because they want a baby so bad they will give up the farm. Then there are the attorneys who make their living on this transaction. Honestly, last night we met a woman who was adopted out of the foster care system because her mother was a drug addict, she now works at an orphanage. She says the system is broke. Why should it be that two loving people who want to give a child a loving home have to jump through hoops, pay exorbitant sums of money, and risk not even getting a baby.

You tell me.

Everybody has had an opinion lately – where were these people when my mom needed financial, emotional, physical support? Everybody wants to profit on T and my desire to have a baby – so far $40,000 of money we don’t have. Everybody wants to own a piece of me, have a piece of me, destroy a piece of me. But they can’t.

One of the songs I listened to when T and I first fell in love – nothing’s going to change my world – jai guru deva om – is running through my head. It took about 50 long years to realize that no matter what the external event, I am who I am, and they can’t take that away.

Today was possibly the most gorgeous day we have had all year. The sun was shining – the sky was blue – there were these cloud shaped white clouds in the sky – and birds were singing. If all days were like today, I would find it absolutely impossible to work.

Oh now it’s coming out that Fox New is manipulating the news – give me a break – do you trust Rupert Murdoch to spin the news? Uh, no. The fact that they are trying to resurrect Sarah Palin by claiming she is so popular right now is the biggest load of hogwash I’ve ever seen. Give it a rest – you backed Bush for how long?

I walked Loca around the Big Lake this morning, reveling in the beautiful day outside, and the fact that despite all of the heaviness of late, that things are going to be all right. This is a difficult time because so many huge things hang in the balance. My uncle wrote me that having a baby was going to be life defining. Losing my mother is also as weighty. All around us there is beauty – the bayou, the oak trees with moss, the bells of Our Lady of the Rosary ringing on schedule, the sun in the blue sky. In the morning Loca jumps up for loving and Wolfie ambles around to steal her bed then Bam Bam starts to meow for his breakfast. Meanwhile, we linger just a little longer in each other’s embrace. All of these fine details punctuate what makes our life wonderful. I’m just closing my eyes and focusing on each of these details as a steady reminder that troubles pass, and sorrow turns to joy eventually, and in the meantime, it’s all good.

Last night I went to a birthday dinner with a bunch of friends and looked around the table at some point and felt that it was good to know that I have yet another safety net out there in the world.

I was speaking to Flower today and I told her flat out that I just don’t know anything. I’m not going to say I want this to happen or that if that happens it would be bad, or that having, losing, waiting, getting – that any of it even makes any sense to me anymore. I’m throwing myself on the mercy of the cosmos. I’ve been up and down like on a pogo stick all day long and I’m not getting any closer to the truth.

Let go. Let god.

Seemingly unrelated events:

My mom said to look for dogs as a sign that she is with me.

We have been speaking to the birthmother about our concern for her postpartum and that she needs support to get through the early months after giving birth.

Today the birthmother called that she had found two Beagle puppies on the side of the road, and she was excited because they will “give me something to hold while I recover.”

The day that I knew that Arlene would have to be put down, I did what I have always done since I was a child – I took care of business. I called the vet and scheduled it. I made a note in my calendar to give Arlene delicious catfood and spend quality time with her. And then when I thought I had all the details covered, I came back upstairs to work. In the background was T crying and asking if I was sure it was time. And I kept stoically taking care of the details of ending Arlene’s life. But one moment, I was sitting here in front of my computer working and I started sobbing uncontrollably and tears and wails just poured out of me like an alien had possessed my body. My companion, Arlene, who had been  through so much with me and had been part of my life for 14 years was going to leave me forever. T heard me from downstairs and came running up to comfort me.

Last night, instead of going back to the hospital to see my mother after her third code blue, I began to fix things around the house, and then I took out dinner and prepared everything and set the table with candles and opened a bottle of our nice red wine. I tidied up all the work details and loaded some more Bob Marley songs on my IPod and then I drew a bath and got in and stared at the walls. I then waited for T to get home and served our dinner. We toasted to better days and ate our dinner. And then I started crying like it was the end of the world uncontrollably sobbing. My mother is dying and although she has been an enigma all my life I will miss her (and miss her now) so much that I ache from the inside out. T sat in my lap and wrapped her arms around me and stroked my hair as I sobbed and sobbed.

The zen saying is that as one door closes, another opens. Wolfie was in the laundry room in our foster care when Arlene was in her final days. When Arlene passed, Wolfie came into the house to join our family. Perhaps a baby comes into our life as my mother leaves us. But what I’d like to know is why must I always experience joy so close to sorrow?