When life is coming at you at record speed, you have to make slice and dice decisions on the fly and that means giving attention to those who matter and those who don’t. Those who matter mean that when something isn’t going smoothly with the relationship, you need to stop what you are doing and address. Those who don’t matter can be left on the side of the road dead. That’s modern life.
I keep telling everyone I’m spending these few days leading up to my sabbatical dotting my i’s and crossing my t’s – then this is my horoscope today:
June 11, 2008
Taurus (4/20-5/20)
Your plans are not yet fully complete, even though you might think they are. There are a still a few ‘t’s left uncrossed, and ‘i’s left undotted, so you need to stay alert, today. Be prepared for last minute changes or revisions and don’t be afraid to make big changes, even if that requires you to put in more effort than you feel like putting into it. You aren’t lazy, so why start making people think that you are? Protect your reputation by being patient and thorough today.
Ate is sometimes defined as the personification of Ruin but her name literally means Blindness. I always thought the Myth of Ate is that there is this continuous cycle of pain and release – pain and release – pain and release. The internet with all of its wonder couldn’t produce the in depth definition I was looking for – must resort to books. Alas.
I was chatting with my neighbors this morning when it was revealed about Tatjana (they thought she was my dog walker – we love that – we even got her a shirt that says dog walker) when another woman drove up and was chatting and my neighbor introduced me as Rachel, and then with flourish, said no, this is Lianna (after John Sayles’ movie) – Lianna, Lianna, Lianna my neighbor sang out dramatically. Gotta love this hood.
In Turkish – everything will be beautiful – I am not in alignment with the universe right now – trying to dot too many i’s and cross too many t’s to go away for a month. Things are taking sharp turns, people are coming out of the elements to shout at me, scold me, I’m recoiling and roiling and waiting to make a clean exit.
When I’m gone, I’m going to take a deep breath, I’m going to float on my back in the Adriatic, I’m going to enter the world of fiction many times over and live other people’s lives, I’m going contemplate at some point my own life and make a five year plan. I haven’t done that in a while because I’ve been in reaction mode.
But I proceed with the awareness that everything will be beautiful and that sustains me in these moments.
Today in my breathing – zen – through it all attitude – I tried to contemplate all the what ifs that seem to be plaguing me as I get ready to roll on the sabbatical. Concerns about my mother being here with the animals and June 1st having signified the start of hurricane season (someone reminded me that real hurricanes don’t start until August), concern that my tolerance level is running on empty for my day to day interchanges (when I told a long-time source of mine I was off on sabbatical after 13 years, she said to phone her when I return and “I’ll hire you, you know more about this industry than most of the people I work with” – nice vote of confidence in a sea of concerns), concern that my nightmares were tormenting me last night and most included my father and mother in some weird helpless scenarios where I woke screaming MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY – not to mention overall concerns for macro issues – is it possible this country could elect a Republican in November? is it possible that all this work to get here might have been for naught? is it possible that my true ability to do anything about everything from dust-bunnies to world peace is completely nil, nada, zilch and there you have it.
I think that putting a smile on my face is the only thing I have control over and for some completely insane reason – it works!
In Japan, when they put up a camera to catch red light runners, drivers slow down and become more cautious. They would be ashamed to be caught on video doing something illegal. In the U.S., drivers wave and taunt the camera even though in the end they will be given a ticket. There is no shame.
Lately, I’ve been curious as to how transparent people’s flaws are – wearing them on their sleeves for all to see – no shame whatsoever. It’s quite amazing.
We were talking this morning about how someone else’s love life appears sappy in writing. And I said that’s why most good novels are about affairs or tragedies and most great country songs are about cheating. Love is not interesting to most people. It is conflict that holds our attention. My blog has moved from the love of three males to the love of one woman in a matter of a few years.
Monday morning – let’s see, lying around kind of bored, not knowing what to do – WRONG – major this and that as usual once the computer is turned on and work begins and thinking about being away and what not to do and what to do.
On our walk with Loca this morning, I was telling T that I don’t plan on writing in my blog while we’re away. I was thinking I would not be on a computer for one single second much less blogging while in Croatia, but on second thought, I might write every now and again – about the trip.
My reticence was naturally wanting to check out entirely from the life I live – the plugged in life – and also I wanted to write from thoughts recollected in tranquility – sort of Wordsworthian, if I can quote him for banal blog entries.
Now I’m thinking that I want the ability to write about my travels while the memories are still being baked in my mind.
Okay, no drum roll please, because I know dear reader you would be fine with either decision, but aren’t travelogues from the Adriatic worth a little something?
J says he is signing up for soccer when he grows up. When I grow up I’m signing up for a balanced life instead of trying to learn how to have one at 49.