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You got me on this one…….I made a CD for you but it had too many love songs and we are disengaged – but I put this song on and took it off about a dozen times – complete coincidence you offered it up today? – sometimes things are just too close for comfort – I have no comfort – leave me be!….I’m disengaging – my skin is crawling – you’re skin is crawling – but you hold the cards on this one and the choice was yours to make – so don’t sing me a sad love song:

The Weakness in Me by Joan Armatrading 

I’m not the sort of person who falls in and quickly out of love

But to you, I give my affection, right from the start.

I have a lover who loves me – how could I break such a heart?

Yet still you get my attention.

Why do you come here, when you know I’ve got troubles enough?

Why do you call me, when you know I can’t answer the phone?

And make me lie when I don’t want to,

And make someone else some kind of an unknowing fool?

Make me stay when I should not?

If you’re so strong then resolve the weakness in me.

Why do you come here, and pretend to be just passing by?

I need to see you – I need to hold you – tightly.

Feeling guilty,

And I’m worried, and I’m waking from a tormented sleep

‘Cause this old love, you know it has me bound,

But this new love cuts so deep.

If I choose now, I’m bound to lose out;

One of you is gonna have to fall…

I need you, baby.

Why do you come here, when you know I’ve got troubles enough?

Why do you call me, when you know I can’t answer the phone?

And make me lie when I don’t want to,

And make someone else some kind of an unknowing fool?

Make me stay when I should not?

If you’re so strong then resolve the weakness in me.

Why do you come here, and pretend to be just passing by?

I need to see you – I need to hold you – tightly.

This song is so awesome:

Joan Armatrading Love And Affection lyrics

I am not in love

But I’m open to persuasion

East or West

Where’s the best

For romancing

‘With a friend I can smile 

But with a lover

I could hold my head back 

I could really laugh 

Really laugh

Thank you 

You took me dancing 

‘Cross the floor 

Cheek to cheek 

But with a lover 

I could really move 

Really move 

I could really dance 

Really dance 

Really dance 

Really dance 

I could really move 

Really move 

Really move 

Really move

Now if I can feel the sun 

In my eyes 

And the rain on my face 

Why can’t I 

Feel love I can really love 

Really love 

Really love 

Really love 

Really love 

Love love love love 

Love love love love

Now I got all 

The friends that I want 

I may need more 

But I shall just stick to those 

That I have got 

With friends I still feel 

So insecure 

Little darling

I believe you could 

Help me a lot 

Just take my hand 

And lead me where you will 

No conversation 

No wave goodnight 

Just make love 

With affection

Sing me another love song 

But this time 

With a little dedication

Sing it, sing it 

You know that’s what I like 

Once more with feeling 

Give me love 

Give me love 

Give me love 

Love…

Yesterday was the festivity for slaughtering goats and all the Turks were out in their fineries – even the belly dancers – as we gathered to eat kebabs – dance – and celebrate. I’ve been adopted by these people and feel so at one with them. B & F were on their way to Amsterdam this morning, and the pull to throw care to the wind and join them was immense. They head to Istanbul to ring in the New Year. The Turks wanted me to join them for their New Year’s celebration but this year I think I want to stay close to the LaLa, if just to be here and give thanks for having made it through this year. 

Headed to a Turkish party tonight to eat delicious food, dance with my hands in the air, and see lovely people. 

Loca is moving her lips across the bottom of the big windows trying to catch the rain drops. 

The sky opened up early morning in New Orleans and the deluge began – bringing with it cats and dogs, memories that make your blood run cold, thoughts that make the blood steam up, longings, regret, hunger, satiety, remorse, wisdom, pain and joy. 

Proust had a madeline – I have rain but can’t get in bed and write the stream like he did so I settle for short blog entries – call it a new world. 

My reformer partner cancelled at the last minute and so I decided on this amazingly beautiful day to take Loca out for a long walk through City Park instead. We ran through the grass, we kicked up the leaves, we jogged and walked and strolled and strutted and finally when we got home, I opened the door and she dashed in and jumped on Arlene’s head.

For the dog that never sleeps, there must be some sort of treadmill I can buy her, no?

I have so many interesting and loving people in my life – not just now but through the ages – people who I should not have come to know so intimately given why we know each other – take my accountant – in a conversation over taxes and whatnot – he writes me this: <

on the flip side, some people go thru life as a dependant not a provider. these people are the “baby-sitted”…and become liabilities of those from whom they receive the most love.  your mom is one of those receivers and you’re the giver. insure that you/and or the siblings are, at least, the beneficiary. do not lose your love for her. she needs you. she needs your love. love can exist without respect.    

Had a heart to heart with a good friend last night who has been involved with a married man, one who has three kids. He tells her he wants to leave his wife but he is not doing it. I shared with her a story about a man and a woman who were so deeply in love the sun shone on them and them alone, as bright as a fiery planet or universe or galaxy, read: it burned fucking hot. And as the day for reckoning approached, the man called her on the phone and said we need to talk. And she knew what he was going to say. With a heavy heart and dark sunglasses, she drove to the jobsite and he sat her down, her knees between his, he placed his hands on her thighs and held tight and then he, a man not at ease with speaking from his heart, not at ease with his own emotions, looked her in the eyes and said, “I want the same thing you do. I have the same long-term plan. But when I put my kid to sleep every night, I can’t see how to get from here to there. I can’t. Even though I love you.” 

The best way to avoid heart break of this order is to avoid falling in love with a married man at all costs. Because the heartache never stops, it just lessens over time, but it will break your heart so deeply, that that part of your heart will never love the same way again.  

Headed to Swirl last night much to my stomach’s chagrin but wanted to catch up with F and B before they left for Turkey and D who was headed back to El Lay and see G who I hadn’t seen in a while, but of course, the first person I do see coming out of the store is the one person I’m in high avoidance of and of course, there’s the every time I think I’m out, they pull me back in tug of war that begins to stoke up inside me – but, I take a breath, I’ve purged so much that I notice instead the discomfort is outside of me and I’m clear and resolute in my purpose and stride. I feel good in the words of James Brown – like I knew that I would. I’m the prize, I tell myself when I walk on by after cordial and nervous greetings and into the store, and I know with absolute certainty the only person going to rattle my cage is the one who recognizes I’m IT and is available emotionally, physically, psychic-ly, lovingly, mentally, soulfully, religiously, spiritually.