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I thought about these things in quantities of three and at the end came to a conclusion:

Things that make you go hmmm:
1. It took cheating on and leaving Steve for him to welcome children in his life.
2. Sometimes you love with all your big heart and still the beloved cannot love back.
3. You can love another’s child as if you gave birth to him yourself.

Things that fill my soul:
1. There are twenty piers sticking out of the lake, today 20 pelicans sat like statues on top of each one. Thirty more dove for fish by the shore.
2. With John Denver’s “Back Home” playing on my IPOD, in my office finally trimmed out, I stood this morning where my desk will soon be, and to the left I could see the bayou, and to the right I could see the bayou, and I got down on my knees and kissed the plywood floor and thanked god for getting to this point.
3. Sitting in CC’s listening to Jessye Norman singing Strauss’s 4 Last Songs on my IPOD, Sandy came and sat down at my table and chatted with me about riding her bike to her studio in the Quarter, and how she loved living here in MidCity, and she introduced me to another fellow artist (Ken) who had walked up to say hi, and I had her listen to Jessye singing and she said it was like being in the Napoleon House, and I said only we are in our own salon here in CCs – then she looked me in the eye and said “I have a charmed life,” and I smiled from deep within and said so do I, “I am truly blessed” and I want now to be done with the LaLa, to make room in my life, to help those less blessed than I am.

And my epiphany is that like Diana on the Starship Enterprise, I am an empath – I absorb what surrounds me – and I need to be careful about where I place myself. My cup is half to almost full. I want to make the right choices of what and who fills the rest of it up.

Epiphanies always come when you least expect them. Sitting in the W lobby on first arriving in NY on Thursday afternoon – my body trying to withstand a system crash from too much champagne the night before coupled with only a fist full of trail mix on a Jet Blue flight – not too long later upchucked – while L was in the bathroom I noticed a man sitting across from me – a tall, dark and very handsome man who was almost frowning. I looked at him and signalled with a tug at the corner of my mouth and he got the message and laughed. He ended up sitting next to us and L began a conversation with him that led to him telling us how he had left the corporate world 18 years ago and started a nonprofit for inner city kids – he wanted to do something that was in his heart – L was intrigued because he is searching for his next career.

It took a while, but today on a long, long bike ride, I realized that I have been moving off center again – I’ve lost track of the elephant book I want to collaborate on with S & H in Arkansas (I was reminded of this by an article in the WSJ), I have become unfocused on wanting to be a guardian angel for a child who needs my help and resources (this becoming more clear as I read The Blind Spot about a woman who made a difference in a child’s life), and I’ve found myself reverting to the old me in my relationships with men (a few twisted dreams brought this home to me).

Life is all about stumbling and picking yourself up and dusting yourself off and moving forward. Leon E. Haynes caught my attention because he was a man who seemed to be carrying the world on his shoulder, Atlas style, he tugged at my primordal instincts to take care of – I realized somewhere around Leon C. Simon this morning that I’m done taking care of men – I am only going to take care of me, a child, and/or my mother – not a man. Not again.

Out of the mouth of babes – I learned from a young colleague of mine in NY that young men are shaving their balls because that is the right thing to do. He said, “we do it for you.” Nice. Apparently, older men aren’t aware of this trend and so C is making sure they know about it before they go back out into the dating life – he just shared his wisdom with another older colleague who is recently divorced. Some men aren’t stopping with the balls, they are essentially going Brazilian in gratitude for all the young women out there waxing for them. I say equal opportunity – and if they are thinking about us – there’s nothing better than a thinking man, especially one who is well groomed.

Last night in all our finery, L and T and I went to the big Saks Fifth Avenue gala after having two bottles of champagne and some twist and two lousy attempts at the Electric Slide. H dropped us off at the white carpet entrance and we walked in feeling all that. Inside we were shocked by all the bad face lifts and injectables and possibly the coup de grace was witnessing the plastic surgeon that was so highly recommended but so badly done up that I had to laugh. Meanwhile, we managed to drink more champagne than we should have and ran into TL who had tickets to HOB’s My Morning Jacket. So, all of us, in tow behind TL, walked a couple of blocks to HOB, standing there while he effortlessly got us all into the Foundation Room where we found a sofa and watched yet, what I think, were the more beautiful people in motion.

Too much champagne later – sometimes – I do declare – I think I need a shock collar.

And now to NY. Andale!

We celebrated Kerry’s birthday at Swirl last night with a cake as big as a hat box from Flower Power in Chalmette. Two guys trying to break into the catering world, prepared food for the occasion. The wines we tasted were K’s favorite under $20. The air outside was dense, waiting for the clouds to burst open. And I felt the same way – the pressure mounting towards some unknown chimera who sits cross armed and stares at me when I close my eyes at night. Saw V later and she was going on about J having a thing for me. But I think V might have a thing for J as much as she goes on about it.

Here’s a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once.
– Tallulah Bankhead

Vice is nice.

An email from Ken this morning – he seems to equate me and the LaLa with Dwight:

“When pressure mounts and strain increases, everyone begins to show the weaknesses in his makeup. It is up to the Commander to conceal his: above all to conceal doubt, fear and distrust.” Gen. Dwight D. Eisenhower

About Gen. Eisenhower:

“He has the power of drawing the hearts of men towards him… he merely has to smile at you, and you trust him at once.” Gen. Sir Bernard L. Montgomery

Tonight is Kerry’s birthday at Swirl – and so she will be playing music from 1960 and serving up delicious wine. G is taking T to Emeril’s for his birthday dinner, now long overdue. And tomorrow the girls are planning to attend the big gala opening of Saks Fifth Avenue. Saks has spent more than $36 million on this retail space – it is said to be the most expensive real estate Saks has in the country and the furnishings are supposedly quite avant garde – with clothes hanging vertically – whatever that means. T, L and G and I are going, but first we are having champagne here at my place at the Can to celebrate T’s new home purchase.

That’s right, H&T will now be my neighbors across the bayou. I told them I expect grandchildren very soon or else.

But back to Saks – it is committing a small fortune to the future of New Orleans, which means I should go there weekly and buy at least a lipstick to support them. Remember we HATE Macy’s – it decided not to renew its commitment to this city, all the while, opening up many new locations across the country – locations? what is a location if not New Orleans?

Hooray for Saks.
Boycott Macy’s.
Happy Birthday Kerry!

After the Market on Esplanade (MOE’s) closed a few weeks ago – we’ve all been pretty miffed here the people who opened it were less than honest and industrious with this enterprise. Back before Katrina, when Whole Foods pulled out of the small corner grocery because they had opened two obscenely large groceries elsewhere, there were plenty community meetings about what should take Whole Wallet’s place. Lakeview Fine Foods won the bid even though no one in the neighborhood thought they would comply with what we had asked for – organic produce and natural foods as well as updated prepared foods. MOE’s was conceived before Katrina but was not delivered till post-Katrina after the flagship grocery store, Lakeview Fine Foods, drowned in the waters. Sadly, it died a premature death from lack of love and TLC.

NOW there is a hard core rumor floating around these parts that the Union Grocery, which used to be on Carrolton – a Latin American store that also had delicious Cuban sandwiches (media noches) – is rumored to be going there. The owner – the lame MOE’s owner – denies the rumor – but the rumor came from someone who would know or we want them to know – and we wish it to be true.

When my other dog, Sam, turned 11, he started sleeping in his own bed and didn’t want to get in the bed with me because he didn’t like to be touched when he was sleeping. He didn’t want to be close – he always liked to position himself in a doorway or corner so he could watch everything that was going on but not get stepped on or be bothered. Not the Bean, as she gets older she is leaning in closer to me and under my feet whenever I do anything. At night, she tangles herself into my hair and climbs up on my pillow like a cat and she seems to not be able to get close enough.

It’s so weird – Sam was such a love puppy and then he became such an indifferent ornery cuss – while Arlene was always so aloof and now wants to be attached at the calf.

I try not to think of the time when the Bean won’t be with me. When I had to put Sam down because of dementia (his not mine), I took to the bed for 24 hours, inconsolable.

To love a dog is so indescribable. I asked Lance the other day why he favors Max over Nellie and he said because Max is more dependent on him. I’ve thought about PETA’s abhorrence of pets and how we have domesticated dogs to the point of handicapping their ability to be self sufficient. I guess we wouldn’t allow packs of dogs to roam the street, which is where they would be if not in our homes, at our hearths, in our beds.

The Bean and I have a mutual dependence though – she depends on me for food and shelter, and I depend greatly on her for dog love – a love so basic but yet so unique to dogs.

She has one blue eye and one brown – a guy told me a long time ago that in the South that is considered a lucky dog.