Heartbreaker
Not being able to get online for any length of time makes it difficult to work on anything much less a blog. As the city continues to make baby steps forward, things like internet service grow scarcer. The fridge came yesterday, but the phones they say will take more than a month. Cable, forgetaboutit, the Can says probably end of December. But what colors my day is not that Mom’s house got broken into again by the deranged stalker who she says was looking for her gun, or that N immediately took care of boarding up her windows so now she is truly holed up there, or that it has been near impossible to work without distractions without being able to get online, no, I think it is ending a 15-year relationship and not even knowing where to begin to unravel a life so enmeshed that I can’t tell if that is his black turtleneck or mine?
The LaLa will be finished and I will live there. S is looking for an apt in the French Quarter – his plans are to stay here for a year and give his business a go. D and N have both said at separate times that he should go back to San Francisco but I know how he feels, when we left the first time in ’95 both of us felt like we didn’t have to go back there. Even though in ’96 the pull of EHDD was enough to hurl us back. Shades of years past – “I don’t want to go.” “I’m going with you or without you.”
L played this the other night – Shirley Horn:
WHERE DO YOU START?
Music by Johnny Mandel
Lyrics by Alan and Marilyn Bergman
Where do you start?
How do you separate the present from the past?
How do you deal with all the things you thought would last,
That didn’t last?
With bits of mem’ries scattered here and there,
I look around and don’t know where to start.
Which books are yours?
Which tapes and dreams belong to you and which are mine?
Our lives are tangled like the branches of a vine
That intertwine.
So many habits that we’ll have to break
And yesterdays we’ll have to take apart.
One day there’ll be a song or something in the air again,
To catch me by surprise and you’ll be there again.
A moment in
What might have been…
Where do you start?
Do you allow yourself a little time to cry,
Or do you close your eyes and kiss it all goodbye?
I guess you try.
And though I don’t know where
And don’t know when
I’ll find myself in love again,
I promise there will always be
A little place no one will see:
A tiny part deep in my heart
That stays in love with you.