Oh the possibilities!
B was in the paper today, front of the Living section looking dapper in his poet hat. I called N and they ran into Ponchatoula and bought every paper. Then I went for a walk with L and the dogs. L still processing the K denouement. I’m processing everything. We went to the M’s house last night for dinner and walked into a a strange atmosphere – so subdued there it felt as if everyone had gone to sleep. And actually S did fall asleep at the dinner table and then on the couch. I had a chance to read W some Lemony which is always enjoyable. We went to Pal’s when we got home. The crowd was pleasant and we proceeded to drink too much. S said he is depressed and I began to tell him about the elderly woman I talked to in line at Dorignac who told me she lost everything, said it took her a lifetime to accumulate all that and she wasn’t about to start over. Then she said the gumbo is good here and I said yes it is. The lines were so long you would have thought it was a holiday. He said no, I’m depressed about us. I said oh. Told him that after our last talk I felt that we had cleared the air and he said yes, but now what. He said I want it to work out. I said I agreed but I don’t know if it can. We’ve passed into a zombie stage of knowing that things cannot go on like this but now what? It’s so sad it is hard to contemplate.
Dinner with N and I told her about what S and I have been discussing – she said she is sad but understands – she said Rachel disappeared for a long time and she feels her back and that might be the problem.
Today was a productive day of clearing the yard and moving back to the Can. Back where our belongings are all neatly in cardboard boxes and our desk dominate the living and sleeping spaces. There was a feeling of comfort. But I think back to when Sue handed me the note when she was cleaning the house in Marin and I was on a conference call and the note said “I can find you no comfort” and I laughed and hugged her. Almost welped up. She wanted my duvet cover for the comforter on my bed. I on the other hand wanted comfort.
Last night N sent a note about the spec house and how it should be for people who don’t have the advantage of picking and choosing and not about profit. I’m anxious to put all of this to some purpose but S is paralyzed and overwhelmed. He said he needs time off – I told him to call C and go to Hawaii for down time between his SF trips. I need time to be alone – I feel like I’m grinding my teeth half the time and my jaws ache from it.
There are too many moving parts all leading to a sort of lunacy that never gets resolved. Two heavy nights of drinking in a row and tonight I’m nonplussed by the cures of alcohol. The Muse calls to me but doesn’t come to me and I feel stunned by my inability to get to the other side of any of what I want to know better.
Mom says everyone is stunned here and I agreed, people running redlights and walking around like the walking wounded but yet picking up the pieces and going on in the best way possible but some have no pieces and some have no places to put their pieces. So it’s a lot of making piles but not really moving forward – just sideways.
And through all of this murkiness I see possibilities.