Yesterday was the first real day of summer and a preview of coming attractions, it was 84 degrees and stifling in my office and I couldn’t find any relief because turning the fans up was not an option with an elder in the house and meanwhile I felt myself just getting heavier and heavier. I saw a black cat in the distance on one of my ventures outside and thought, did it cross in front of me or is it far enough away not to matter? But something was sinking in my mind, something about hope that seemed to be dissolving into the primordial soup of my brain.
I felt stuck, stuck in rut of my own making. In a world that I inhabit myself, I can do everything like clockwork, add a kid, a lover, and a mother in law and a dog and even a cat and suddenly glitches arise, things outside of my control, schedules aborted, timing tilted, and other needs intersecting with my own need to put everything in order.
This morning I woke on my left foot as the saying goes in Croatian, for Americans, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. An early call, a pile of work on my desk, things that have to change in my mind and daily habits both in my professional and personal life, and I just felt like staying put instead of facing the day. Not like me at all.
I read about palliative care in the New York Times, not the article to shift my mood. Loca wasn’t getting her walk and pined by the front door, again guilt crawling around in my limited mindspace. I told T last night I need a vacation, time to get my mind away from whatever it is on, or trying to get on, that it can’t seem to get on and yet I feel like I’m not anywhere so why leave?
My horoscope, not unlike my horoscopes of late, hits the nail on the head as usual:
April 06, 2010
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Taurus (4/20-5/20)Get outside, if possible, and try to stay there as long as possible. Too many hours cooped up indoors leave you feeling disconnected with the things that really matter, and you need regular contact with nature more than most. If you’ve got something to mull over, take a hike (literally) and do your thinking around a lot of trees, dirt and fresh air. You’ll find that all that natural growth makes your thoughts grow in surprising and enlightening ways