Rain this morning. So we had to wait to walk and Loca paced and made noises under her breath and looked out the window – waiting. Arlene peed the floor. Thursday begins – some sort of restlessness last night that caused me to toss and turn and start thinking again of what I should be letting go of – but the thoughts persist – not heeding any of my purposeful admonishments to go – just go – fly out of my head all right already.
Finally, a break in the rain and Loca and I leave for a walk – but the sky is black and the water is rushing in the bayou as if gathering up for some sort of tumult that is reflective of my inner thoughts. We enter the park and we are alone – again I feel as if I can hear my own heart beating. Loca keeps looking up at me as if she too senses something – some caged animal beating against the bars – something unfulfilled.
But as the clouds gather, my thoughts come together, and I feel powerful – I hold in my mind vignettes that are powerful – that can’t be forgotten – no matter how much therapy you have to erase these moments – they don’t go away – they play out in slow motion when you’re lying in your bed in the darkness, when you should be sleeping peacefully, they sneak up on you when you are doing your work and feeling productive, they dance in front of you when you’re in the shower and getting ready to do other things with other people, they don’t fade to black because they cannot.
And through this knowledge, comes faith, that I am not mistaken.