I’m struggling to find the words to express this feeling of dissonance – this being alone in a world of others who sometimes seem at the end of the day so alien that I might as well have been thrown in a chimpanzee cage or in the outer pastures with the zebras – there is connection but it lasts for about ten, maybe twenty minutes and then it disengages and becomes the solo act again. Here in Los Angeles with the steady hum of planes taking off and landing at LAX and the freeway noise ever present, and my IPOD playing my ear, I question everything and everyone.
Could I sustain a length of time with the person I was with on this night? Is it possible to be around these people for longer than X period of time? What would s/he be like if I had to look at her and talk to her every day of my life? All of these equations seem formidable.
Should I remain alone – the independent – and dip in occasionally for what I need – then take my right foot out and do the hokey pokey? God, it’s hard to tell.