Overcast to partly cloudy
Woke up this morning looking like a MACK truck had run me over. After spending most of the morning motivating myself to get out of the house, I went to the gym and then the grocery, and came back to spend the rest of the day hanging out. While hanging out by myself is totally fine, today hanging out with my thoughts was not.
Long conversations with S about reinvigorating our work self. She has put together some pieces that are working well for her and had some insight into what might be some steps for me in media land. We both spent the day trying to eat ourselves out of house and home – some kind of hormonal craving that has yet to meet its match.
Then several long conversations with S who was at his new apartment in San Francisco sitting on the fire escape. He comes in tomorrow night and we have the week to sort through the rest of our belongings and separate further. His moving truck arrives with my cabinets for the LaLa all way ahead of any schedule and so the Can will now be stacked further with more wrapped boxed items that have no place here. One more thing to deal with. We talked about the advent of each of our “next” relationships and I was very clear I am not ready to even contemplate a next relationship. My heart, while squeezed to the point of almost breakage, is still where it was and doesn’t seem to be moving anywhere anytime soon – after so much time it is hard to “lose interest” even though as I told N, it would probably be easy for him if I was over him so that he has one less loose end to tie up, but he has no control over how my heart feels at this point.
S admittedly realizes that his “capacity to love” needs a rest before he contemplates moving into something new. But he, as I, miss the companionship that marriage offered. This sort of Sunday is evidence of that miss – we might be seeing a movie right now – or had gone out to lunch – to pass the time – instead I paced around and did errands and laundry and gym and spent the rest of the afternoon mentally masturbating about a man who still takes up too much mental real estate for what he offers under these less than ideal times.
L said he thinks I might be being given the soft blow rather than the crushing blow. I think it all doesn’t matter what I’m being handed, it’s more important about trying to accept how I feel in light of circumstances and to wrest control over run away thoughts. I don’t need to get over N so that I can move on and think of someone new – there doesn’t have to be someone new if not him – it’s more just trying to salvage my capacity to love and to make sure that I am capable of risking my heart again after all that has led to this point.
Today was a dreary cold day – one of maybe five winter days we’ve actually had to endure here. Mom made her “kill you or cure you” soup and I stayed away from her house like the plague as I have always detested that soup, even now with mature taste buds, the smell makes me cringe. She said that S is trying to come in for a visit some time soon. I wrote a long letter to my brother D who I haven’t corresponded with since Katrina.
Then I spoke with D who is in Florida right now visiting BJ’s parents. They arrive on Thursday and she is excited to be coming in for Mardi Gras. I told her W was looking forward to seeing J. And we talked about logistics for watching the parade and etc and I said not to worry that we’d figure it all out harmoniously. Try not to step on each others toes while everyone dealt with the smallness of New Orleans when everyone is trying to be removed from everyone else. It’ll all work out I said thinly.
Tomorrow is a work holiday and N and I will meet for lunch then a tour of the lower 9. I can’t believe I haven’t driven out there myself yet, but I guess, particularly on a day like today, gearing yourself to be depressed by what you see is a lot to ask in these post Katrina times.
Then Mardi Gras begins in earnest on Thursday.