Forks in the Road
Yesterday mom had surgery to clear up the obstruction – there was all the nail biting that goes with her going under, but she came through surprisingly well and her only gripe is having to stay in the hospital through the week as she is already getting agitated. S was very agitated at her being in the same hospital that nearly killed her four years ago. But then began enumerating her own hardships right now that spun her down into a major funk. And to think she doesn’t live here.
The week of unwinding went rather well but then the last two nights have caused sleep to take a back burner starting with an SOS on Sunday that was worthy of an interuption but then Monday’s SOS seemed to provide no real clarity other than to connect and actually confusion reappeared in all its glory – in the words of K, nothing new added, and I could have been stronger in towing the line on renounce.
L is finding his mini ephiphanies by looking outside the immediate circle at the possibilities and also losing some of the urgency that has been coloring his desires. K is MIA as usual – dropping in now and then to issue statements of love and longing, but then hiding behind silence the rest of the time. T has been in contact lately, which of course adds an air of mystery to each missive received.
Spoke with F today after a long time and he said he was worried that I was going to let this thing go on forever with N, which would have the effect of wearing me down. But he said I keep getting to forks in the road and keep taking the right path so he’s happy with my progress. He also said that a friend gave him good advice a while back – that you don’t know how long to wait around but you will one morning wake up and know they’re out of time by the way you feel and you will be all right with it.
Meanwhile S makes his way to California – looking forward he said to crossing the state line – he has felt lost for the past nights but think he found himself (with help) the last night in Vegas and so feels centered and ready for what follows. His expressions of love for me soothe me during this nutty time. I keep assuring him he, more than any of us, will land on his feet the fastest. But he says, you have hope. And my response is hope dies last as my dear O says.
Off to meet with E this afternoon and then to the hospital to visit with mom. The sun is shining even though it is a bit cool. February is lovely.