I’m in trouble again
This morning R saw me and said, “I love that you always have that smile.” Well, if he knew what was behind the smile, perhaps he’d know just how much that smile means. Last night when Vanessa sang a waltz her mother had written years ago called I’m in trouble again, I had to leave the Ogden because I got all welped up and then knew I wasn’t going to be able to stop the floodgates. Lord knows, it has lessened a lot, but dang it if it doesn’t just come on out of nowhere – a song, a memory, a whisper from a dream – and my heart feels like it is breaking all over again.
After I ran into R this morning, I just climbed in old Blue (it really looks so beat up it is no longer Big Blue, now she is just old Blue) and sobbed again – having to look for a napkin to wipe away the deluge of tears. I spiralled downward emotionally thinking that it’s over for me, I’ll never be able to love again, and even worse, I can’t even flirt – it’s like I’ve dried up emotionally unless of course I want to pull heart ache back front and center and then I can get real emotional.
The smile – yes I’m happy, I’m getting stronger, my heart is healing, but I know this morning I can say with all honesty that I don’t want love to come around here any more, it hurts too much.