Hasten the event

Today spent the time hauling logs and twigs out from the backyard with USAA and FEMA reps coming by to inspect any potential damage. I loved being able to at least feel like I was closer to the house that is not a house and to the progress of getting it ready for potentially or maybe one day living there. In the meantime, days leading up to it were tumultous and tenuous and I’m not sure where things are headed with S and I as we are having issues – yeah – that we cannot seem to reconcile and goodness knows that we have such external issues that trying to relate to the internal issues is mindboggling.

I’ve had two playdates without actually showing up at Cabrini’s playground but rather just walks through the park where trees are felled and there is an overall feeling of desertion around this area. We hardwired an electric water heater to have military showers and overall everything is rather akin to camping out or the like. But even with all the nuisances there is a general good feeling about being back in NO and not in Arlington.

S contradicts himself in saying that he wants to be here but then in the other breath says he is here because of me and if I am not me than why is he here? I can’t tell why anyone is where they are or who they say they are because there is too much static right now to try to sift through what is real and what is not. Most is surreal.

Buy the bike shop – yes – indeed – that sounds like a sound plan. But what does it all mean? I’m looking for 100% immersion not just this and that and not sure what it all could yield in the long run. Looking for an easy life – not a good life? – sometimes a good life could be about an easy life because in the long run it all comes down to day to day and if that is not yielding the good life than an easy life might. My job is way too stressful. The artistic temperament hates clients and readers because they want to control the output.

Dedication to O – who has done all the heavy lifting this year as I am not really here – I’m so scattered amongst the various degress of external factions that threaten to control my every move – it’s tough – real tough. And she has prevailed through it all – I owe her.

S says he has dreamt for years about a place to be and create and that he has let other things get in his way of having this – don’t I know this feeling – it’s like you want to be what you thought you would be, the ideal, but sometimes it takes chaos to breed the creative – that is what has always fed my stream. It’s hard to think of that perfect place where you just walk in and things fly off the page and come together so cogently – it just doesn’t happen – I remember thinking that and having that at some point where I came to the room where I could write and nothing was happening and then there was the room where the fake vampires skulked around outside and something triggered a scent and a rememberance like Proust and the writing flowed. You can’t make it happen but you need to be there when it is happening. The habit of art.

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