It is so damn hard to know thyself – is it not? This morning a friend accused me of never copping to being wrong – which I scratch my head over this perception because how many times have I said how wrong I have been lately for having made glaring errors – I won’t list them, by now they must seem trite and god knows this blog has contained many times over a detailed list of my eggregious blunders.
So I called G to talk to her about whether or not I’m a person who cannot admit when I’m wrong – same as a person would go home and ask her partner, “Honey, do you think I am ___ [fill in the blanks]?” And I was careful to weigh her response much as when a partner looks at you through a lens of love and more easily overlooks your blind spots. The reason I sought her advice is she is very direct with me and doesn’t mince words. And the reason I wanted to know is that S always told me I can’t admit when I’m wrong – can’t be less than perfect.
And yes, perfectionism is a hallmark that I work diligently to dial down.
We discussed how some people project their own issues on to others though. Like S calling me a pessimist for many years of our marriage when it’s so glaringly obvious in hindsight that I was the optimist. Or a girlfriend who recently said you never say you’re sorry when in the past 18 months I have apologized to her more than any human being in my life. Sometimes you have to look at from whence the criticism is flowing and make a determination as to whether you trust that you are behaving in alignment with your own beliefs and philosophy or not.
I’ll tell you this – people hate when someone doesn’t acquiesce to their way of thinking. They do. Our job in life is to figure out how to bend without breaking and how to grow even beyond our current or given horizon (read: friends, family, partner, etc.).
G and I spoke about how fond we are of each other and admitted that this relationship hasn’t been challenged like others and perhaps down the road it will be and then it would test the mettle of what we say to each other now or how we feel about each other later. And maybe we’d look back and say, hmm, she does do this and I do do that. But we’ve both met during an inflection point in both of our lives – she’s crystalized her longings from the last twenty years in her bra project and I’ve finally become self-actualized. High times to be meeting.
I sent her a haiku thank you afterwards:
We are who we love
Though an inherent bias
I see me in you