It’s hard to know if your actions elicit the actions of others or were they going to behave that way anyway? How can you know? It’s all such a tangled intertwined mess of call and response and sometimes silence. In May of last year, when I moved home and the work started on the LaLa – who’d a thought all that would happen would happen.
I received a missive from B today saying:
“Very glad that you are at the end of your long historical project. Good for you for seeing it through. I hope that you have kept a journal that will be read again in the future. I think about my part in it a lot. What an amazing experience all in all.”
G told me this morning that my blog was going to get me in trouble and I said I am already in trouble. Deep trouble. I had a lot of disturbing communiques last night – stuff that kept me awake last night – I kept throwing thought after thought into a simmering witches’ cauldron until I had a funky brew that colored my morning today – made me want to beat my head against a wall trying to find out the answer to one simple question that L asked me this morning when I was holding Abby and J was eating his waffle – she asked, “do you ever wish you could undo any of what has happened in the last year? I mean, you seem happy, but I’m just wondering.”
It’s a shifting landscape I told her – I wouldn’t take a nickel for where I am now, but I wish I could understand better the choices everyone makes and how much that choice is conditioned upon the choice that the “other” makes and I find myself still searching for that same complicated truth even in my relationships now – how much does what I say influence what is said to me and vice versa?