In search of a more complicated truth
It’s hard to know if your actions elicit the actions of others or were they going to behave that way anyway? How can you know? It’s all such a tangled intertwined mess of call and response and sometimes silence. In May of last year, when I moved home and the work started on the LaLa – who’d a thought all that would happen would happen.
I received a missive from B today saying:
“Very glad that you are at the end of your long historical project. Good for you for seeing it through. I hope that you have kept a journal that will be read again in the future. I think about my part in it a lot. What an amazing experience all in all.”
G told me this morning that my blog was going to get me in trouble and I said I am already in trouble. Deep trouble. I had a lot of disturbing communiques last night – stuff that kept me awake last night – I kept throwing thought after thought into a simmering witches’ cauldron until I had a funky brew that colored my morning today – made me want to beat my head against a wall trying to find out the answer to one simple question that L asked me this morning when I was holding Abby and J was eating his waffle – she asked, “do you ever wish you could undo any of what has happened in the last year? I mean, you seem happy, but I’m just wondering.”
It’s a shifting landscape I told her – I wouldn’t take a nickel for where I am now, but I wish I could understand better the choices everyone makes and how much that choice is conditioned upon the choice that the “other” makes and I find myself still searching for that same complicated truth even in my relationships now – how much does what I say influence what is said to me and vice versa?