Accepting Blame
“The hurricane protection system in New Orleans and southeast Louisiana was a system in name only,” said the draft of the nine-volume report, released yesterday in New Orleans. [NYT 6/2/06]
It’s early in the morning and I can’t sleep even though the day was fine. I was able to move through a lot of difficult issues with the LaLa and come to see it for what it is – a big project. In order to feel like I had accomplished one thing toward this project I went over to the house equipped with broom, dustpan and bags and I cleaned for two hours. As I dragged the last big black garbage bag to the front I heard someone blowing their horn, a tinny old fashioned car horn, and I looked across the bayou and saw N’s yellow Mercedes rounding the bend – home from her 10 day journey – and I jumped up and down and waved and my heart swelled for the love of her, the love of here, the love of the LaLa.
Turns out my contractor was right the 5-ton a/c unit can’t cool the addition, so S – the a/c guy – came over and we decided to do a 4-ton on the house and a 2-ton on the addition. Like E – the electrician – when he found out that S and I were separated I was spared no details on his own divorce and life – amazing – he said I should try artificial insemination for a child and I told him no can do – funny guy. Then I finally tracked down the alarm guy and told him he ran a wire straight through my clerestory, so he’s coming to fix that. P, my neighbor from General Pershing 17 years ago, is doing all the jams and weights on my windows and his wife E is glazing my two broken windows – the old float glass is around $700 so in a snap executive decision I said forget about old float glass because for the unforeseeable future I am going to have a bunch of derelicts in this house who could potentially break another window so I’ll fix that later and so E is putting in regular glass at a cost of 1/10th of that.
I have heard NOT ONE WORD from K the contractor – this defies any words I have to say on the matter.
I went down to figure out my rent situation here at the Can since they lost my last check and turns out I had to fork over $3120 just to get caught up to the end of June – GOOD FUCKING LORD – does the money hemorrhaging ever stop?
G came to meet me for a wine tasting downstairs at Cork & Bottle to taste reislings and we had a nice chat about next steps with our product. Then I went to Ralph’s to have dinner with L and his mom, J, and my mom. J and my mom like each other a lot so we had a very pleasant evening. It was odd to listen to mom finally admit that as soon as S was born she was intensely needy and remains so today. So she was quite pleased when I was born and didn’t need anything – a ha – we always come back to that – Rachel doesn’t need – AHEM – she does too!
Haven’t been able to sleep since 3AM, the upfront market is breaking as I write in New York with CBS leading the way instead of ABC since ABC seems intent to stall on their Live Plus 7 ratings – which translates to this for those who don’t know media – advertisers buy television time upfront of the next television season and are guaranteed audience ratings – with the advent of DVR’s advertisers are saying that if it isn’t watched live then it doesn’t count and ABC is saying live plus seven days afterwards counts and advertisers are balking at that – which they should – because years ago when VHS came about advertisers had to swallow that shows viewed on tape were counted as live which is bullshit.
Finished my book so was looking for something to read while I am so wide awake and picked out my Hirshfield poems and the Tao Te Ching – found a sticky note inside from 1998 that said in my handwriting “1:30AM, home from Brown & Root, do I really need money this bad?” – I will leave you with one thought today and that is Tao Te Ching #44
Fame or integrity: which is more important?
Money or happiness: which is more valuable?
Success or failure: which is more destructive?
If you look to others for fulfillment,
you will never truly be fulfilled.
If your happiness depends on money,
you will never be happy with yourself.
Be content with what you have;
rejoice in the way things are.
When you realize there is nothing lacking,
the whole world belongs to you.