Not Ready for Prime Time
I declare this has been the best Jazz Fest I’ve ever experienced. I’ve run into more old friends, made new ones, and heard some really good music – how much fun can you pack into a few days. Friday was laid back – easy Jazz Fest of days gone by when Fridays were always more locals and less people and way more fun. I saw H as I was going into the gate and he brought me over to T’s friends shop – Fancy Pony Land – and I bought the cutest skirt with pistols on it. Then I went to find T and spotted a carved door from the Ivory Coast in Conga Square with two gators biting the tail of the next one – H said that is all about you – the yin yang right now – then I met Chantal, the owner from NY, who is this gorgeous striking warm woman and I couldn’t walk away and so I bought it for the LaLa – and later T told me that Quint was so stricken with Chantal that he insisted she come to JF and set up shop. I started the music watching Kim Carson when G text me to come meet her with J and T – I ended up at the Miller Hospitality Tent and walked in to see T surrounded by the Miller Girls – they were all age 12 I do believe. Then Big Chief Monk Boudreaux with L&C and A. But my fav was Eric Lindell who came out from California 8 years ago and decided to stay. I was on my way to Roland Guerin at H’s recommendation when I just kept on walking.
Saturday was better music and less about hanging out with people. I walked to the LaLa and happened upon S with K, I had told him he could park in the LaLa driveway. We walked together to G’s house to give her a free ticket that K had. Then we split at the gate and G came with me to see Susan Cowsill who was terrific. She sang a song she had written during the evacuation and when she finished with When the Saints Come Marching In I was getting so welped up I had to walk away. Then Fredy Omar with Miguel the stone fox drum player – who G later talked to – and he ended up with the Radiators later. Deacon John was interesting but I had made my way to the Fred Flinstone flag to hook up with S and K and although that was okay, it wasn’t ideal, so I left there and went to look at the bracelets GoGo was making and ended up buying the gorgeous bamboo cuff. Got a text from L to bring her a big ice tea over at Robert Randolph so I went to meet them and we then went over to see the Ohio Players. Walked home, spent, caught up with P&C and learned G (the narcissist extraordinaire) was fired from her cushy UNO job and I, of course, had to text N right away because that was – you’d have to know what a horror that woman is – the best news I’d heard all day.
Walked in the can to find two dogs overly eager for my company – Renny having a spend the night with Arlene because N wasn’t back yet.
Later picked up G and we headed to the party at T’s house that was jamming when we got there. It was 3 men for every girl – very interesting – T the party thrower was in fine form chasing down a mermaid – I had brought him chocolate poodles since my first introduction to him was him differentiating himself from TC who also sells real estate but has the poodle in his picture – TL’s marketing strategy is if I don’t sell your house in 60 days I’ll eat your poodle – then my friend T showed up and was radiating “I’m having a good time” in technicolor as she danced with K and swooned under the stars – G was in the unfinished dining room in some intimate dance with J – after a long night of dancing and socializing I left with L, man of mystery, and G and J to go to Pals. We wound up at L’s house – darling house with a hot tub – and we wound up in the hot tub – how is it that I lived in the hot tub capitol of the world and never went in one and yet here in New Orleans I am in hot tubs all the time?
A very interesting discovery happened in the midst of all this fun and socializing – I have been worried about my ability to move on and feel anything – something something – ever. It’s so unlike me to be cut off from the mind body connection I’ve always had. So at the party – G says I know a guy you would like and introduces me to L – man of mystery – handsome – a Sam Sheppard look alike – surely he presented himself as the antidote for this – he kept bird dogging me at the party and later wanted to hold my hand and for me to dance with him – so way later, when he was wanting a kiss, instead of freezing up which is what my entire body was about to do, I just kissed him back full throttle – it was one of those getting back on the bicycle moments – and he said, wow, you have a way of kissing – and I said way? – and he said with “gusto” – and I laughed out loud. But to get there and I wanted to get there, I had had to close my eyes and imagine I was kissing the man I wanted to be in a lip lock with – and that’s where the gusto came from – I summoned it.
But I don’t want to manufacture desire any more than I care to manufacture anger that E is want for me to do – I say let these things come in their own time, in their own fashion, rather that fake it till you make it.
Then this morning I woke from warm dreams of N and did not have to manufacture anger at all – it came easily – in a rush – a torrent – through my thin lips (your lips are disappearing) I marveled at how I could let this man take my heart and treat it with such neglect that my mind, body and soul are no longer in harmony but instead exist in different planes that aren’t intersecting in any meaningful way, in any cogent way. I’m out of sorts – Humpty Dumpty – and all the kings can’t put Rachel back together again. E said I will come together stronger, better than the earlier model – but I have my doubts this morning. I asked C again yesterday – is love volitional? – and he said no, finally. He said he had said zen prayers of serenity for me on my birthday but he had not taken into account B. That’s the way it goes huh, you think you are covering all your bases, but someone throws you a curve ball and then you have to rethink the whole enchilada.
Today is the last day of the Fest – already I am feeling the post JF blues creeping in – tomorrow is lunch with S before he leaves to go back on Tuesday. Then there is the Fest after the Fest party at L&C’s on Tuesday night – and then Wed in the square again. Dancing our way to our graves.