Nature Abhors a Vacuum
Lay in bed last night with L in the bed next to me watching our pay per view movie and afterwards turned to Gray’s Anatomy which was some weird montage of previous shows – and so here is the montage since I’ve been incommunicado. First of all it is raining kids – L is due in Sep but now S is due in Oct and she shouted in the phone “I’m having a Libra” for whatever that is worth. I told her how last time I spoke with D she was chastising me about my affair and how wrong etc etc and S said, well she has been on her high horses lately, I’m 3 months pregnant and told her I was feeling the baby move and she said flat out “impossible!” and I said well it feels like it and she declared “gas bubble” so obviously she knows all.
On the way out S had called and it seems he is a hot commodity in SF where his professional and personal services are in high demand. The man is calling to him but he is not ready to go back to that chestnut.
Talked to my brother R on the way out and he asked why not just get back together with S and end all this nonsense and I said if it were that simple, don’t you think I would?
Nature abhors a vacuum – and so in thinking about this child to adopt – K appeared at the conference with his two Chinese daughters – one left on the side of the road, one left in a park – and you say what when they send you the photo and you have to say yeah or ney – like D said – who says ney? And what I say is that I sat in the hot tub and looked at the little girls jumping in and out of the pool – the way the one said mommie to E – and it sounded just like any other kid with any other mom saying mommie and that was it.
P said if you don’t have a preference and I said I don’t – would probably prefer a girl since I am one and it would be easier to role model for a child – and then he said if you are willing to accept biracial you move up the list. Again – these girls are left on the road, these are too dark – I’ll take them all. It’s amazing that there is any question about taking them. When I met L instantly we fell into talking about stuff and she said she is starting a family at 49 – she said how old are you? and then she said, you have plenty of time – amazing huh to hear that?
Then C who is my beloved French philosopher and musician extraordinaire – who said at dinner “with some people there is a link and it’s like a string stretched from your heart to theirs and when they are away it always tugs on you with a miss and you always feel that string sometimes the tug is tighter and sometimes it is slack, but it’s always there.”
And P who has just joined the group and I instantly liked him and when he told me how he coerced this wild cat to come to him – by lowering his eyes and meowing – he said cats run from you if you approach them wide eyed – and then the cat finally came and it meowed back for 10 days in a row! I told him about my last race and how good it felt and he repeated my words and I said are you mocking me and he stroked the side of my mouth with the back of his fingers and said “I wouldn’t mock you dear Rachel” – wolf? or woof?
H brought me German chocolates because he is a big strapping German always bearing gifts and then the other H brought me a present from China – a small bottle that someone with very tiny exact hands painted a picture from the inside with a small pen – I just marvel at the time it took to do such a thing.
D met me when I arrived in La Jolla and the excitement I felt was palpable so much so that I text L and said I was waiting to see if the hope that appeared in front of me was able to carry the week. And D was great – he looked a slight bit older and his irreverance which I love was somewhat more mellow – but I left him with some good advice and a feeling of connecting. I went for a long run this next day with A and S and had a stitch in my side that wouldn’t settle as we got lost trying to find our way down to the water – a big belly laugh from them both as they said in getting ready for the conference they performed all of their to do list which included some “ahem” items. It gave me perspective.
I ended my trip with L meeting me at the party – she said she wasn’t expecting to walk in on such a diverse group – she expected like all work conferences to see a bunch of “same” type people – more homogenized. The Alpha’s were playing when she arrived – J had renamed the band the Alpha’s after seeing my group tees that I made – oddly for the next 24 hours L and I were mistaken for sisters many times even though she and I see no resemblance – a waitress at George’s in La Jolla said it’s the smile. S said it’s the voluptuousness when I told him. L and I walked, talked, shopped and had cocktails and it was so comfortable being with her I sensed an ache of when I would be back home and our distance would again resume.
My favorite take away from one of the women was the guy she said she was a fool over who said “I always thought we’d be together” and her friend said well maybe if he would have called you might have been. Big laugh. She said “he gave me nothing.”
And then when L and I were talking about our week to come and I told her about the bayou clean up and the concert and the Jazz Fest and P coming to visit – she said well “the guinea pig comes home with H for the weekend.” And then we talked about how sad for the little guinea pig that he lives in that dark classroom.
R cornered me and gave me a debriefing of her past decade of woes that made me think – geez Louise – my life’s travails are all not so bad in comparison.
Having breakfast sitting with one of my favorite musicians, I commented that the eggs reminded me of ophanage eggs and he reminded me that he had grown up his entire life in one – he equates it to prison – his mother came to adopt him when he was 8 but then he went into another one. You don’t know what creates a person’s edge and then you start seeing the cracks below the surface – the ones they have filled in with a wink and a smile – and you realize that yes, we all live lives of quiet desperation or not.
I flew home next to the man whose hand was tatoo’d with “I Love My Wife Teresa” and arrived to see that hardly any work had been done on the LaLa and so I went to pick up the Bean – today’s her 11th birthday – and N and the Snake welcomed me with cocktails and red bean cakes and open arms. Plus the house has been painted and much to N’s chagrin – T told her it was Tulane’s colors – so now she has to go get a big LSU flag to hang out front.
I went reluctantly to La Jolla and I came reluctantly home – joy comes from such odd places – I went kayaking in the Pacific and rode the waves out among the dolphins and sea lions and looking back at the sheer cliffs and the California awe – but it wasn’t till later on Sunday sitting with L at George’s and looking down at the same spot that the beauty transcended – and the resort was pristine and gorgeous with fireplaces and gathering areas everywhere but I started feeling like I was in Disney land and longed to be back here in the uncoordinated architecture – but then back, parking a block from N’s house I walked through the piles of debris from yet more exploding houses and I felt unhinged – it costs $50K for a US adoption – it now costs $200 if you don’t have your dog on a leash at the Can – tomorrow we clean the bayou, Wed we hear music, Friday P comes in and JF begins – no guinea pigs this weekend – and no photographs of smiling faces – L brought a photo of T with H at a picnic table – the smiling faces were lovely.
My love S signs off from Poland via SD – kisshugsqueezelickmunchbite…