Sending Love Letters to Myself
I spent a year and a half in community with a group and in the end had to leave when someone in that group committed a crime against my family. The celebration of what that group accomplished just took place in public, on stage, this past Wednesday. I was not there. Nor was I even in the photographs listed. And my speaking part was dropped from the 10 minute video.
I have spent the last three years doing legacy work that no longer addresses any of my core needs or desires; not even the compensation comes close to being sufficient for my much reduced lifestyle.
I applied, submitted, proposed alternative situations for employment and one by one the doors have closed.
I mailed in my book proposal to a literary agent who ought to be interested in my book. I have not heard one word.
My head has stopped spinning with all the question marks that have danced around inside it and instead has settled on fighting to be in the moment.
Sty called me today from Destin – he had 15 gigs lined up and wound up in the clinic with a blocked artery yesterday and the possibility of surgery looming. He told me he has to start taking nitroglycerin. I called him back right afterwards and told him that those Chinese herbs he is so fond of taking that mimic Viagra are dangerous with nitroglycerin and not to take them. There was silence on the other end of the line. Then a mere “okay.”
Flower called to check in this evening – she was greeted by the voice of doom. She said my situation reminded her of when I was trying to adopt a child in 2008 and 2009 and I went through dark days of grief and finally gave up. That’s when Tin arrived. She said maybe it is the darkest now because it is about to get lighter.
Ahhh, the old Russian proverbs Flower can deliver on a moment’s notice. My father used to say something similar – it’s always the darkest before the sun comes up.
I was trying to think of notes to write about why I am grateful so I could put something in my gratitude jar that has not been opened for three weeks. I was having a very hard time. So I wrote this letter to myself:
Dear Rachel:
I love you. I love you when you’re strong and I love you equally when you are not. I love you when take care of yourself and I love you when you generously take care of others, even those who have trespassed against you. I love you when you succeed and I love you when you fail. I love you when you win and even when you lose. Sometimes, I love you more when you lose. I love you no matter what the reason because every day in every way you are you – uniquely, unequivocally, and confidently you.
Keep your heart open honey, the best is yet to come.
Love, Rachel
June 26th, 2015 at 12:53 pm
Dear Heart,
you have come into our lives and we are so much better for it! so looking forward to so many dinners, hikes, picnics and whatever else you and your son would love to do. We love you and hold you close, cause you are a keeper and we are so grateful to have you in our lives!
Leona
June 27th, 2015 at 11:40 am
Thank you Leona – I was just explaining this to a friend. My friend who I call Flower here as a nickname told me a long time ago about the Russian notion that we start in this tightfisted spiral and then keep going around, encountering the same people, same situations, same obstacles until we meet them differently, until we have changed, and then we get to move up a rung. I’ve had some movement that I felt viscerally, knew that I was going through the threshold, up to the next rung, and whew it’s not always easy. But the joy, the glory, is getting to that rung and meeting those there – and so it is with you and Charlie – we’ve met here on this rung. Love, R