The illusion of time
On this Sunday – one day of my life, one page in my book – where the music from Voodoo Fest is dominating the otherwise languid air and the brown pelican dives repeatedly for fish outside in the bayou – I find my mind bouncing from topic to topic, not completing one thought before beginning another thought – the curse of even my Sunday afternoon carved up into a multitasking event.
But where my mind keeps bouncing is what is intriguing me more than the fact that it bounces – it bounces, therefore I am – what I am thinking about is time and place and age and these sorts of intangibles that are never quantifiable with the quantitative. Well, at least not for me.
My mind flutters around and lands on place – how long have I been living at the LaLa? I’m staring at the brown pelican as if he is an old friend. It seems I have never lived anywhere else. The Can? Pishaw, I can’t remember a night there. Marin? Did I live there? San Francisco – North Beach – Portrero Hill – the French Quarter – General Pershing – Napoleon Avenue – these places are all carved up as single image memories but when the camera rolls, it is here that I am – here that is home.
And time, my love, my weakness – my fear of losing it – I feel as if I lost this weekend to excess when surely my daily affirmations speak about this – about how to guard against excess unless that is what I am seeking – and yet I know why the caged Rachel is moved to excess – no release of energy through her usual outlet – exercise – as always she needs to run, to jump, to move, to work through a restlessness that is so much a part of her metabolism, she’d be lost in neutral.
Okay, enough third person for godsakes – how about age? – and this age I am at right now which feels the most natural age to be at – and yet ironically I am fighting this age with chemicals that peel my skin right off my face. How is it possible that I can connect with Jake who is 3.5 years old as if we have walked around the globe together? What made Flower seem like a kindred spirit even though she is half my age. What trick in nature is it that gives some people wisdom beyond their years?