The future I am dreaming
I learned a few minutes ago that new friends of mine lost their son in a tragic swimming accident on Saturday. You end the week on Friday and wake on Saturday to learn the world has changed, shifted, morphed into a sadness from which there is no return.
The better part of my weekend was spent filtering out the gnawing feeling of tentativeness – in other words, my sanity. I’m faced with the harsh reality that my new budding career is about to take off while my old career is hanging by a thread and in the interstitial space is __________.
I’ve been filling that space with dread – that’s right – even given all of my new faith in the wonder of life, I’ve been holding fear at bay with a sledgehammer. A woman a long time ago, speaking to a group of women in media in New York, said the best and greatest opportunity lies in the artist letting go of the trapeze bar she is holding just before she grabs the next one – it’s that moment when there is no safety net below – just space – and the fear of free falling makes her anxious to grab the next bar, makes her squinch her eyes so she doesn’t see the abyss underneath, makes her question her faith. And that, dear readers, is where I’ve been.
So it is no wonder that this week into the weekend has been particularly challenging as a parent of a 4-year-old who hits the auto-reject button for 100% of what is presented to him. And why, as a mother, over 50, and under financed, I have just about spent the better part of the last few days asking for patience, courage, faith, and whatever else can rain down upon me to get me to that other bar I’m reaching for, which is swinging there in the distance.
This morning, I made another harsh decision, to withdraw yet more funds from my dwindling retirement account. And let us all praise my #highclassproblems because at least I had a retirement account to withdraw from – right? And why am I withdrawing this money – to pay for Tin’s school – the whole conundrum and irony of my life and its puny fears is brought right down to this one very bit of sad news that was missing from my angst days ago – my friends’ son died in a tragic accident.
So you see, my focus has been on not having enough, when in fact, I have so much. And as long as I can rejigger my mind to notice the bounty that is my life, I won’t want, I will celebrate. Because I am engineering the wheel of my vehicle as I type this post – the hub of which centers on pushing the conversation on race and parenting, the spokes of which include my blog, books, workshops, talks. Therein lies my future dream, herein lies my work, and why then should I fear?
“Look closely at the present you are constructing:
it should look like the future you are dreaming.”
~Alice Walker
[thanks Anne for again sharing enlightenment a lá my third eye that I may again tape to my forehead]