Give me an “F”
The notion of who I am and what I want in life has surfaced more times than I can count in the last weeks and even to the point where when I went to speak on It’s New Orleans about my work on race and parenting, questions of my identity came up – since I’ve already determined all the identities I use that are fraudulent – let me add this: I’m a fraud LGBTQ as well.
And honestly instead of that F-word – fraud – let me use this F-word – FLUID. I’m fluid and really squirm with a label affixed to me.
Recently, I spent one very long day and afternoon discussing relationships and what I am looking for in a partner – I had four attentive ears asking me who’s next – a man or a woman? – and another later that same day recounting her tales of woe in partnerships. I have already staked out what I seek in a partner – a person who will bring their truth to me without fear and handle my truth without fear.
That statement took me 54 years and countless relationships to articulate – call me a slow learner.
And the truth is now that I know what I want – #whatamIgonnado?
I have a strong feeling my partner is already making their way to me because I cleared out a ton of mental baggage I’ve been carrying for years and my heart is open and fierce.
Does it matter – absolutely not. I am a happy person, with friends, a beautiful son, an aspiring second life career, and I don’t have to have a partner in life -which oddly enough drives most men crazy yet turns most women on.
Go figure.
So I read Kathleen Gerson’s post about the declining demand for husbands with profound interest. Gerson says:
What are implications for future of marriage? The decline in marriage rates is both practically and symbolically important, but it does not signal a wholesale rejection of marriage. We need look no further than the fight for same-sex marriage to find evidence of its enduring importance. There may be a declining demand for husbands — at least the traditional kind — but there is a rising demand for a life partner to share the joys and woes of earning a living and caring for others in an intimate setting. [emphasis added]
Yet having the option to marry is not the same as actually getting and staying married. New generations of women are more likely to exercise that choice if and when they are able create and sustain relationships that are more equal and flexible than the gender-divided structure of traditional marriage. In this sense, young women are not simply lowering the demand for husbands; they are also raising the demand for work-family policies that would make it possible for men as well as women to integrate committed work with caretaking. If we do not rearrange our work and parenting institutions to help support these aspirations, then more women will resist traditional marriage and more men won’t be able to support it.
I have a vision for a life’s partner – one who wants to walk beside me – not follow, not lead – who would be an equal life partner and share my joys and sorrows. But like many women, particularly post 50, I would be fine without one as long as my spirit is alive, my child is healthy, and my friends are near.
Yes, we are now firmly in the 21st century where men are discounted for being the stereotype of a man – and it’s up to all of us to parent children differently – our sons and daughters – so they will be ready for this new world and their future partners – it’s time for all of us to evolve.
July 15th, 2013 at 11:30 am
An acquaintance of mine from the U.K. married to a German woman said something to me nearly 50 years ago (I was 23 or so) that I’ve never forgotten. I vaguely remember asking him how you knew when you’d met the “right” one. He said that he didn’t believe there was only Mr. or Mrs. Perfect just waiting for each of us looking, he thought when the time was right–eh hym–when the hormones were raging and thinking of replicating oneself, then you have to be careful to make the right choice. Everybody looks good then. Thankfully, the right choice for me came along very soon afterwards. You’ve got what you need already, and can wait to make good choices, a good place to be.
July 15th, 2013 at 6:55 pm
Agreed Alice – my ex had a friend who told him that a woman needs a different man at different stages in her life – and if like you, you are lucky to have your man be all those different men at those different stages you scored! If not, then good choices make up for a one night stand that goes on way too long.