Thoughts by Rachel
I was going to call this post Notes to Self, but Thoughts by Rachel seemed more appropriate. Given the meditation and the aim to filter out thoughts that are slowing me down, and right now the impulse not to take a frying pan and hit my asshole neighbor upside the head who is playing pounding music after the witching hour (Tin’s bedtime), I’ve come to conclusion that there are some things that are a part of living and being human. Thoughts aside.
For example, I don’t think there is a time when you don’t move somewhere and there isn’t one asshole just laying in wait. And so I’m saying to this asshole, you are an asshole, but not an asshole to me. And that’s how I plan to get through this living place. Well actually, I wrote that and then I pounded on the wall – see, I too can be an asshole. It just goes to show you.
Meanwhile, almost as if reading my mind or answering my thoughts, as I’ve been contemplating the new house that I’m building, I have been having these encounters: “It’s a cheap sink that’s why it is all scratched up” “All landlords use cheap toilets that’s why you have to plunge them so often.” See here I was thinking that I was going to build this house a la cheap – but then you hear stuff like this and it makes you go, huh, what is the middle ground here? Just as I was starting to think too much about that I pulled back and said, you know what? I’m paying an architect, shouldn’t he figure it out? Yes, check, off my list.
Next, I began whining in my mind about the need to relax, like I was thinking that why is it that every time I say to myself I’m just going to sit here and do nothing while everyone else scurries around, I feel like an asshole sitting there doing nothing? Yeah, so that makes me think sometimes the best way to get away with doing nothing is to be by yourself – it’s so much easier to be less judgmental when it’s you and a glass of wine and some tarot cards.
I ran into my doctor and he asked how things are going and I told him that I had started to have some hair growth but now I’m not so sure. He said, “It will come when it will come.” Profound, huh? Right, that’s what I thought. I want it to come now and if I was Tin, I’d fall on the concrete and start crying huge enormous tears and not stop until you told me something that would rectify the situation. But instead I’m to remove any thoughts of hair growth, or timing, or what not from my cleared head and just ponder the moment. And yet, it passed. What? The moment. It passed. And there you have it.
There are times in every gal’s life where you feel like donning flannel pjs every day of the week and just calling it a day. And what’s wrong with that? Nothing, she said. Not a damn thing. No judgment.