A friend writes:
Plus I cannot let go of trying to logically reconcile the idea of trying to control ones destiny where you can and then sitting back and saying everything is as it should be!
A balancing act for sure – it’s an age old dilemma that has cost me a lot of time of worry and consternation.
I pulled all the stuff out of my wallet the other day and found Steve’s card from when he was at Hixon & Associates, where we met in 1990. He addresses me as, “Rachel Wyner Giltenwury” and yet goes on to write, “I love you, I want you, I need you, I must have you, I’m nuts over you. Crazy. Batty. Bonkers. Bent, Clinically Insane, Bozo. So there.” At 30 I was obviously a basket case of worry and guilt and anxiety – what to do, where to go, how to be, who to be? So a 26 year old man can fall in love with a 30 year old obsessive worrywart nutball. It’s been known to happen. [Yates said: “But one man loved the Pilgrim soul in you and loved the sorrows of your changing face” – but I digress.]
I feel a sense of peace now – same problems, later chapter in the book – I worry about the choices I make, I worry when I’m not making choices, I worry, I fret, I worry some more. The I Ching master says I expend a lot of emotion in worry and I have to be careful not to let my thoughts go to the extreme.
There you have it. I wrote back to my friend:
– the age old dilemma – I can tell you that for me the zen only came later after much heart ache and joy, neither of which were in my control at any given time. I share your desire to make sense of the world, to outgrow my family and past, to know what I am going towards at every turn, but I’ve had to concede a lot to understand that the knowing only comes in dribs and drabs while the mystery retains and renews its luster and draw. I always thought I was moving away from the mystery to the knowing, and now I find myself reversing that course.