Fake It Till You Make It
Stayed up late last night communicating with an old friend and woke this morning feeling slightly off kilter from lack of sleep and the rehashing of bygone days. I say this and I mean it – my emotional reserves are tapped out. Right now I can only concentrate on today and possibly make small plans for tomorrow but that is the extent of my abilities at the moment.
Tried to linger in bed to catch some more sleep but the Bean would not have it and so up it was and faced with two earnings calls today from companies I cover – one positive and the other a miss but not a big miss – as S said – you call that a miss? mine was 17% stock drop, yours, what? So levity to make the day more palatable and that is why you have friends.
Then off to August to have a yummy lunch with S who helped me get S’s chair – which I told S launched a thousand arguments – but it was good to spend several hours in conversation with someone I hardly know and discuss personal history, current state of affairs in the city, and a vision for going forward. I felt tapped in – and he asked me, are you committed to being here? and I replied, more than ever. And he said so was he, damn committed. That kind of certainty is a blessing.
I came back and wanted to crash and burn and nap but no rest for the weary – more work to deal with, make up for the flame yesterday, organize other things and prepare for the three day weekend and just when I thought I could enter into the footloose and fancy free part of that dream, the reality that my cell’s chord was messed up forced me to get in Blue on Friday afternoon and drive to Metairie – the zoo to end all zoos Post Katrina – and take care of it. Luckily it was a not so expensive solution and then was able to swing by and see mom who was still miffed over her own flame out she had had with the Mercedes dealer yesterday. But we passed the time talking about this and that and then I came back to the Can where I am looking for a respite. One well deserved.
S and I spoke about our need to motivate ourselves at work given the current environment in our industry and our utter lack of reserves to do so. Then S called from Long Beach to catch up and said he’d call later, but still mulling serious things that I keep telling him to let time handle because hopefully time will handle. I feel so depleted in the rehashing of things past, of the uncertainty of what is, that I truly feel like my body is saying enough. Stop the madness.
It’s supposed to rain on our parade tomorrow – 70% chance – but L and I made a plan rain or shine – if rain, Bloody Marys at the Milan – and so we’ll see what the day brings. Hopefully the rain will come early or late and miss our parade because as we both agreed we need a little Mardi Gras right now in our lives.
I cringe at the thought that someone might think my blog is a tell all because it’s not – there is so much that goes unsaid that involves having a wider readership than I originally thought and my need to buy into my own personal life philosophy – the one that says Fake it till You Make it – that I am writing for that future and not about the past. Don’t think my being doesn’t long for a different story to tell or I don’t have more to say about what was, but rest assured the story I am telling will be about grabbing life by its horns and galloping at full speed even if it involves lessons in patience that I must study on and become better at – because in the end we want everyone to come out of this whole. I’m just glad that those I love and hold dearly have the ability to see the humor in my critiques and not feel under attack.
Kick the lapdog
Kick him in the mouth
Tail between his legs
Never beg again.