A friend rode her bike by the house as I was weeding the garden this evening and she stopped to talk about her relationship woes. The more I listened the more I realized what it must be like to be in a relationship with me because the characteristics she was describing of her partner are so similar to mine. Let’s call it uber intensity. Now the friend I was speaking with is laid back and even keel. Much like the men in my relationship history. But she kept saying things about her partner like – “she takes on too much and then gets overwhelmed and starts having meltdowns.” Um. Hmmm. Or, “she tries to be perfect and expects me to be perfect.” Ah, hmm. Um.
What is it about people that when they are single they have this urge to merge and when they are merged, they have the urge to drive their partner away. It’s all some relationship construct that I just don’t get. I told my friend that she needs to begin the dialogue by saying she is not leaving and she loves her. And then she herself could look into carving out pieces from their daily life where she gets to be herself and not get caught up in the uber-intense-perfect-world of her partner.
As for her partner, as for me, we need to accept that we aren’t perfect, that we can sometimes just be, that we don’t have to do everything and be everything and accomplish more than, and keep raising the bar. That’s not to say that we settle into some form of contentment and quit being who we are – but you have to recognize what drives you and know that when you take on more than you can do, it’s nobody’s fault but your own, and the only person who can save you is yourself.
Relationships. whatyagonnado?