Ruminations and Ruination and Rage
I’d like to say that I am jumping up and down over getting the LaLa but as N says – it’s a mess. He estimates $200K + to finish – how could this job have been so underestimated? So now just trying to figure it all out and it doesn’t look pretty.
I spoke with J this morning about how to proceed with work in the meantime – the cafe for internet and scheduled land line days at my mom’s to call sources – back and forth, up and down, round and round it keeps going. I told him that C called yesterday to talk to me about a marketing bonus and said that I would have been exceptional last year had I not had personal problems so I was only just great.
Yesterday started slow – with a late sleep after not getting to bed till about 3AM. Then it was a pretty disheartening missive from N as she got angry at something L told her that was somewhat inocuous but who knows I wasn’t there and can’t get into the she said he said with them and then a day of conversations that started with “Well you’re still speaking to me so I guess that says something” from a missive sent late the night before – all the way to sadness and finally laughter. The hard part is harder than imagined but it is full of discovery which makes it up and down, started writing this this morning and with all the days that seem to stretch to this one, at first I would have said the discovery was leading to better awareness but today the awareness meant swallowing something I had tucked away in the recesses of my mind. My first reaction was like a kick in the stomach – the next was a loss of appetite and as I sat there trying to get back down on this planet and smile my way through lunch I thought this time I might not make it back and would surely go insane.
Still slightly ill and trying to lock these thoughts up again – no place to tuck them in.
I ran hard for one hour with my eyes closed and the music loud – and I figure there is only one way out of this funk right now – RAGE – so off to buy a pack of cigs and after meeting with E will find a hole to do that in and try to erase the place my mind is in because if it stays here I might conjure up that wild child inside of me and not put her back on the shelf when I’m done.
“Worried. Need Laughter” – well I think I need meds actually because I have no laughter to offer up.