Dreams of Sleep
Recurrent dreams of V that are baffling. She is a young girl – maybe 18 – her hair is long and straight – have never seen it this way – and she is smiling and happy. It is a comforting dream but I always wake with the same feeling of loss – perhaps this that I have put way back in my mind is coming to the surface as I deal with the loss of this relationship – but how it manifests itself is baffling – a young smiling happy girl I have seen only glimpses of in the woman I know.
The sun is back and the weather milder – a much better New Orleans – the one that makes wintering here ideal. Yesterday was fraught with the realization that I am going to have to move from the Can and find an apartment where I can have internet and phone – the Can is saying April before we get land lines – so utterly ridiculous. Now I am casting a wide net to find a place to live. Once again I’m removing myself of memories and wiping the slate clean – more framing for my better life.
Good session with E yesterday – she admires all three of the adults handling of W in this whole mess and said that it might be possible to continue my relationship with W no matter what the future holds if everyone is able to continue as they have been. We spoke about the possibilities of adopting and right now I am putting that on the back burner as it does not involve any kind of clock and I have some things to get in order before I am prepared to bring a person into my life. We also laid out a road map for handling misinterpretations and those tools will be crucial for my peace of mind. She emphasized Katrina’s toll on all of us and to not forget it when trying to work through everything before me. And we spoke about being the energy source in my relationships – allowing my light to burn on 100 watts and men plug into me and not having reciprocation – I burn out. In taking care of myself it is important to make sure that I am getting what I put out so that there is a replenishment instead of a slow drain on the wattage. And then there is the issue of taking back my name – but my decision for now is to keep Dangermond as that is what my professional career is built around and there is a brand quality to the name on Wall Street that I don’t want to give up – so for now Dangermond it is. The Snake said I could just call myself Dangermond.org. Funny boy.
We spoke also about the symbolism of house and home to me – a product of having moved around so much as a child – lot of emotional weight gets bestowed on house/home – need to recognize that so as not to give it more weight than it is due in any given situation.
For today – time for work then time to start my search for an apartment then exercise and then see mom at some point – who btw worked the graveyard shift last night – grrr.
January 19th, 2006 at 11:02 am
I can’t believe you’re entertaining leaving mid-city. even if steve takes lala, he won’t be there long. will it really be so painful to see steve and the lala? you kicked HIM to the curb and have repeatedly declared you have no emotional attachment to the house. so what’s so painful about all this? what are your real motives? have you no allegiance to mid-city, to playdate, to your friends in the hood? i’m being selfish here because i don’t want you to go, but i have to say i don’t think you know what you’re doing.