Today, Carolyn Hax wrote about something that was of interest to me, if only because I have spent a lifetime with a girlfriend, who is always way more beautiful than me. I know, hold up, that isn’t exactly true, I see my beauty, but these women are the kind that attract men like a fly to a spider web. I know why I do this – I’m Cinderella. My mother and sister are stunningly beautiful and I spent a lifetime growing up around that kind of beauty and so I’m comfortable in this familiar relationship with my girlfriend du jour. But even though I have tremendous self-esteem, sometimes it does get old when two things happen with these women – you are out with them and 1) you realize your company alone isn’t good enough for them, they require the attention of a man, any man will do, and 2) twenty men come out of the woodwork at their service and not only is your company not good enough for the friend, but the twenty men look right through you.
Here is Carolyn’s take on the situation – I think this is a perfect response – and don’t know how she does it time and time again:
Carolyn: I am the “ugly friend.” I have this great friend who I go out with all of the time, and whenever we go out men inevitably hit on her. I am not hideous by any means, but in comparison to her, no one would really give me a second look. I know that I need to be comfortable with myself, but it gets frustrating and of course I can’t bring this up to her. A few weeks ago, I thought this guy was really cute and was thinking about asking him out, and when he came over to talk to us, she was her normal chatty fun self, so, of course, he asked her for her phone number. I don’t know if I need advice or just need to wait. Va.
Dear VA.: So. Your beautiful normal chatty fun friend is single?
Is, was, either way — it’s all the information you need to remind yourself (repeat as needed) that it’s a lot more complicated than pretty faces and “ugly” friends. Yes, in a quick-to-meet-you environment, certain people will always stand out.
But standing out produces exactly what you describe, and not a bit more: an introduction. Maybe that produces more conversations, maybe not. Maybe conversation yields more phone numbers, maybe not. And so on.
And since the only qualities involved here are his boldness and her looks, I don’t think you can even say these approaches significantly improve your friend’s chances of finding happiness over yours. Unless of course she wants bold and he wants beautiful and neither wants to look beyond that — which can’t be what you have in mind.
It’s hard on the ego, yes. It’s also not about the ego. Even if you’re one to gag at “the one,” you still have to know that a good mate is a rare alignment of complex, sub-surface traits, all prettied up wtih an icing that keeps your attention. And that’s why so many how-we-met stories play out at work, at school, in neighborhoods — i.e., environments with enough ambient lighting, sobriety and time for sub-surface traits to show through.
While you’re waiting for this to prove itself, or just waiting for your firend to finish another chatty fun exchange with a guy who looked right past you, try scanning another reminder: real couples. Pull up a chair, look around at the paired-off people, and ask yourself how many would satisfy one person’s notion of hot.
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Va’s situation happened to me exactly the same way a few months ago. When I lived in California one of my ex relations told me that she too had a beautiful friend when she was young who hung around her because she knew she was “more beautiful” – I shrugged off what she said because I don’t think anyone is more beautiful than me in sum – but of late when I have been looked through more than too many times, I’ve wondered about my reasons for always having these girlfriends in my life. A mutual friend, pretty herself, advised me to broaden my horizons, only because she had experienced exactly the same thing. Another, a gorgeous woman by anyone’s definition said, “Rach, I had a situation like that in college. I’d walk in a bar and because my friend was always looking, she was always getting, and only at the end of the night when I realized no man was speaking to me, did I realize I needed a break, not because she was doing anything wrong, but for my ego’s sake.”