Arlene the Bean
After two days of throwing up and diarrhea, we brought Arlene to the vet hospital late last night to discover she has pancreatitis – which she could have gotten anywhere but she has such an acute case the vets were mystified at why she looked so good. So was I – it is what kept me from bringing her earlier – she kept acting like she wasn’t all that sick except when she opened her mouth. So now they are trying to stabilize her and see if they can get some food in her tonight. While we waited on her bloodwork to be ready, we sat in a room watching Rita bear down on Texas as a now Category 5 and out in the hall beside our closed door a woman began to sob softly at first then build to a cadence of pure grief – she must have been speaking to someone on her cell – all I heard was her whisper “he died on the way here” and she lost it and I just about lost it – I hopped on the cold stainless steel examining table with Arlene and just held her close and prayed she would be fine because Arlene the Bean makes my day and I need her now more than ever.
L called to say a deer ran out of the woods and smack into his car – came out of nowhere he said – and messed his new Lexus up. P keeps calling wanting to make chit chat like the last thing out of her mouth wasn’t “our marriage was a disaster” – he thinks I don’t return his phone calls when I can never get through.
R wrote that maybe I could take all of this upheaval and write a book – I have scraps of paper written with phrases to piece together one day into a narrative – “calm the storms in my head” – “emotional cold” – “the most positive no I’ve ever heard” – “confused” – “not pieces – all … land grab” – “feel you shudder under me” (or see Emmy Lou – feel the heat of your body under me) – “what can I do for you?” – “take him with you” – “I’m not one of the people who work for you” – “when you said that I skyrocketed” …
September horoscope this month in the girly magazine: “Your heart is on the line” – I would change that to read “Your heart is not in line”
What do you do when your heart is on the line and you have no control over what affects it – walk off the planet? – today my heart feels like the basketball that popped last night – it retains somewhat of it’s original shape but feels like a six month old flat coated retriever cannot stop chewing on it.
Day 3 of no cigs – how does she do it?
Last night BJ said “you can only take half of Rachel, all is too much” – he doesn’t mean that, right?
Need to get on the phone and call my sources – love them – this should be easy – but feel as though if one of them probes too deeply into how I am really doing that I might lose it. Told J and K that I am not doing well this week – can’t handle dealing with the Editor’s Notebook – that’s true – L is explaining to S right now in the living room that N took the needle to the basketball last night and was pumping air into it but it was useless. What does all this mean really? Where is my damn epiphany, my groggy clarity, why should I be waiting on the Muse to figure this out – day 3 without cigs and yet I can’t control where my mind goes – what up with that?
I’ve missed two AM goodbye kisses and two goodnight kisses from W. That is two too many or four too many depending on how you group them.
A writes late last night to try to cheer me up:
Enuff w/ the tears…we…YOU…need some happy thoughts today.
“Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love.” Woody Allen
“Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.” Ernest Hemmingway.