Mothering is a Mother Fucker
From my mid twenties to thirties, I thought to myself, I’m not really going to be a writer until I have a child. Where this idea came from I have no idea, but I had asked my grandmother and my mother on separate occasions what had made them happy and they both told me it was their children. I was not surprised by my grandmother’s response, but my mother’s answer shocked me.
I grew up believing my mother should have been somewhere else. She should have been a movie star or married a rich tycoon and traveled the world on a yacht. Her regal appearance helped my imaginings, and also my mother’s drinking made it seem as if she was somewhere else for as long as I could remember.
Not to be deterred, I wanted a child. More importantly, I wanted to be a mother. I thought I’d have a knack for it and that I had a lot to offer a child. So began my quest to get pregnant with a reluctant husband, and after we split, my relentless adoption journey that brought me to my son.
I remember the first time I saw him, I knew beyond doubt that I was born to be his mother. I’ve had that clarity over and over again. Yet, mothering Tin is like trying to stop a house that has a fire started in every room from burning to the ground.
Mothering Tin has pulled me to people and places that are akin to be tethered to a band of liars and thieves.
Mothering Tin has opened up a deep knowing inside of me that is forever tied to all mothers around the world.
Every year, that has passed since I began mothering Tin has been about me trying to keep him safe from a world I am pushing him to be in.
From the get-go, I saw a society that disposes of Black boys like yesterday’s hashtags and schools that try to elevate their own grades by hijacking my child’s joy – and I knew these were never going to help Tin grow into his potential, his light.
It seems every day I move ahead with my plan for parenting Tin while Tin races beside me with his own plan that either stands in the way, alters or annihilates my plan. I think I am gaining ground but when I look at the collateral damage from any single day, I’m running in place, exhausted, and my foresight is cloudy with a chance of a hurricane.
If you asked me should you become a mother, I’d most likely yell a resounding no on many of these days. I’d tell you mothering is a mother fucker and stay the hell away from it!
On a bike ride two days ago, Tin asked me about one of his friends who is always showing off about how smart he is. Tin asked, “Is he smarter than me?” I said to Tin: some people seek validation for being smart. Some people seek validation for being physically fit. But Tin doesn’t need to seek validation for being anything other than being Tin, because he knows he is valued and loved.
Tin turned and said, “Thank you,” then stood up on his pedals and raced ahead of me.
To all you mothers out there, I salute you!
May 9th, 2020 at 5:40 pm
Mothering is a mother fucker and adoption burns down the house. Doing it solo and/or in conflict with another adult is a living hell! But here we are. Showing up for it, staring it down and celebrating this brutiful journey of mothering ?? You are a goddess ??
May 9th, 2020 at 8:27 pm
Kandi – I cannot get that word out of my mind – “brutiful” “breautiful” – brutal + beautiful – it’s the perfect word to describe the life I live. Your sentence “doing it solo or in conflict with another is a living hell” – amen sister. Today on my walk, I thought about all of it and I don’t know what I could have done differently but I can tell you with certainty that it doesn’t matter why it happened or how – it matters that every single moment I have shown up for Tin. I know from my own experience of being a child that a parent who shows up negates anything a parent doesn’t know or any bad decision a parent has made – showing up means something – it may not be enough but it’s everything.
May 9th, 2020 at 8:43 pm
From FB –
?Whitney LaFrance Mother is a mother fucker, may be my new all time favorite saying! ?? thank you for sharing??Laura Million Me too. I’ll be using that often!
??Whitney LaFrance I’m sure I’ll think this to myself at least 5 times a day. ??
Chiara Ishem Smith This is awesome Rachel! Love how candid you are! It’s not easy being a mom and we don’t have all the answers, but thank you for this!! Well said!! ??
??Joycelyn Green Askew Beautiful Rachel Dangermond,
Maddy Arnstein this is the beautiful Queen I told you about.??
Deneene Bell Zayzay
??Stephanie Daigle Happy Mother’s Day, Rachael. Great read and you are so right.??
Mercy Suarez Happy Mother’s Day!???
Michelle Allee Awwwwwww!
??Sandy Robinson “Our children are not our children, they are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself” Kahlil Gibran stuck in my head and keeping me grounded as my son turns 50 this year.
??Cheryl Corson aawwww. Hi friends Rachel and Tin. You are the best.??
Wanda Blake Yes Tin’s Mama its been a journey – I said it in the beginning and it still holds true today — How special it is for “Tin” to have you as his “mother”. Love you both — Happy Mother’s Day
??Kat Fitzpatrick Mothering breaks you open and reconstitutes you in equal measure. Whenever I see a cicada husk, I recognize the rough and tumble process of growing. Thankfully I am not done, yet.
Thank you, Rachel. This is truth.??
Deborah Saul Beautiful! Happy Mother’s Day! ???
D Lammie Cokic You are a Goddess…??
Khaki Lewis Happy Mother’s Day Rachel Dangermond?
Marta Szabo Great piece, Rachel!!??
Lylie Nichols??
Muriel Wilcox Beautiful ??
Having raised 2 beautiful children and now copartenting my 4 year old grandson( yaya) which is me, on many moments a mother fucker
??Joan Benson Krawcheck Well done Rachel. You will get your reward in the future. Tim is so so blessed to have you and I am positively that he will get it before long. Keep on keeping on! Happy Mother’s Day??
Susan Merrill Bruce you both look fabulous. (your skin is luminous).
??Candace Labat Happy Mother’s Day ??
Takai Tyler Sending you love from one mama of a black boy to another.. You are so right..??
?
Judy Norris Yup!??
Sandra Hanson Happy Mother’s Day??
Denise Copeland You’re obviously doing quite well mothering Tin. Happy Mother’s Day.??
Kay Kell Wonderful. Happy Mother’s Day??
May 10th, 2020 at 10:54 am
Yep. One day at a time. ?
May 11th, 2020 at 8:38 am
In this household it’s sometimes one hour at a time! LOL
September 12th, 2020 at 8:47 am
Thank you for your honesty. There’s nothing more important than this. What you have chosen here is so inspiring. When I talked with Tin yesterday, he used the words “My Mother” again and again… spoken with pride and so much love.
September 12th, 2020 at 9:00 am
That’s the second time you made me cry this morning MaryHelen! Thank you for seeing the whole picture. Much love to you on your journey.