Once again I’ve arrived to find something new in this alien landscape. The iconic saguaros are all topped with Frida crowns and what a delight it is to see them everywhere: on the roadside, in front yards, and in the wild.
I hiked with Betsy in Sabino Canyon and breathlessly looked around in wonder. The landscape, so alien, has grown more familiar and so fascinating! I left behind gardenias and azaleas at home, and entered this parallel universe, way above sea level, where I’m panting and licking my lips all the time, while my eyes dart from one delight to another.
On my way to pick up Betsy, a roadrunner crossed in front of my car causing me to pause and try to snap a photo. Good luck! That is what roadrunners symbolize, and that one was the fourth I have seen out here! I am super lucky. When we arrived in the parking lot at Sabino Canyon, this little guy, number five, came out of nowhere and I was so amazed by him! Like roadrunner paparazzi, I quickly took out my phone and started snapping photos.
As I type this, I see through the sliding glass door a desert lizard poking around the seating area in the backyard. At first, I thought he was an iguana because lizards back home fit in the palm of your hand, but this lizard looks more like a small chihuahua.
I was meditating and journaling with Artist Morning, and I was thinking of my good luck. Today’s opening question was on a scale of 1-100, how open are you right now to receiving love and appreciation?
I’m about 90% open.
The four questions Darius asked us were:
What is the first memory you have of being loved?
What’s the first lesson you remember learning about what love is?
What’s the most recent lesson love has taught you?
Is there a place in your life right now where you would like to feel more love?
The first memory I have of being loved? The first memories I have of being loved was as a toddler being passed from one lap to another. I sucked my thumb for most of my childhood while rubbing the seam of a piece of clothing, someone’s jacket, my pant leg, or a shirt and everyone allowed it. I would be moved from my brother’s lap to my mother’s lap to my father’s lap and back along with whatever clothing had the seam that I soothed myself with. All images of my childhood have my thumb in my mouth and my toes always twinkling back and forth.
The first lesson I learned about what love is was after snowshoeing to my friend’s cabin in Bear River Reservoir; we were sitting around the stone fireplace with a warm fire burning, talking. I have searched my memory so many times to remember what it was I said about my father, it was a familiar trope, something like he would stand in front of a train for me or the like, when my friend quickly responded, “That’s not love, Rachel.”
It was as if the habit of love that was so ingrained in my psyche took a giant pause. What?
I’m still searching for what the word love means in action more than its meaning. I now relate to love as it pertains to me – what does self-love look like? If I did this and it hurt me, is that self-love? If it hurt another, is that self-love? I’m still working through all the nuances of love, my own, and what love looks like in action. Its meaning is still ephemeral and at times blurry.
The most recent lesson love has taught me is about how deep my love of self is. In the many steps it took for me to open my heart to another person — I continued to make room for G-man — I kept a wide zone around that space for my own love. I would let G-man in, in increments, as I widened my love of self, and all the while, I was very aware of what was happening. In the boundaries I set, in the patience with my questions, in the free falling I still held a rope and kept my gloves on. I wasn’t going to plunge to my death. I was going to fall gently and lovingly, guided by self-love. When the romance with G-man ended, I was not bereft of love, I was swimming deep in a pool of it. That felt right.
The place I would like to feel more love would be to meet someone I could grow with, someone real and willing to stretch and grow alongside me. The more affirming part of me will be guided by self love. It is rare to find another who loves themselves so deeply, who is willing to stretch and grow in relationship, who is ready for the final frontier of intimacy, but it’s not impossible.
Closing Invitation from Darius at the end of Artist Morning – It’s nice to receive from others, and it’s simple to also receive it from ourselves. Write yourself a thank you note:
Dear Rachel, thank you for being kind to yourself.
Thank you for treating yourself the way you would like to be treated by another.
Thanks for acknowledging what you need and asking for it.
And when you did not receive it, thank you for not taking it personally.
I love you Rachel.[Thank you for reading my blog posts, I love hearing from you and hope you would respond on my blog, I love having the conversation captured, to revisit as time goes by – it gets lost in the socials.]