I’m good enough.
Swimming through the myriad thoughts I am having are:
- I’m imagining how to interact with Tin via the phone and during my next visit. He’s digging in his heels and not able to see the long view. And he is pointing his finger at me as the source of what ails him.
- G-man has been particularly non-communicative this week, which concerns me for his well being. When someone shuts you out, it has more to do with them, than with you. (see #1)
- How do I want to spend my time on earth since it is later than I think.
When people ask me these days, how are you? My response is always good enough. And it is true. My years ahead are far fewer than those behind me. I have friends who are dear to me. My health is relatively good – some stiffness, some reduced capacity, still enjoy riding my bike, looking forward to swimming again, plus I have newfound clarity after my cataract surgery this week.
I know I am a good enough mother, and I struggle with communication and Tin. He’s a my way or the highway type person, yet he calls me controlling. Sheesh. I know he is in the best place possible, and yet I try to understand how he might perceive his situation. Reports I receive from others are that he is doing fine, but he would have me believe otherwise. So I have to have faith, not doubt, that he will grow more comfortable in his own journey.
I’m thrilled about Wild Thing, my vintage Shasta camper I bought earlier this year and the adventures that await. I find myself in search of circumstances that would enable me to strike out on my own. Yet, just yesterday, a situation presented itself and I fell back into, would I be safe there? Alone? So I have some fear and some excitement bottled up in Wild Thing. And I have a great need to get away with no thing to have to do, no person to have to answer to, no demands.
I am trusting that how I am really is good enough. I made this collage a while back after summoning my idea of a higher power. There is a lot of imagery in it about seeing and knowing and loving. Trust and faith are at the core of my good enough-ness.
The Book of Alchemy by Suleika Jaouad.
This writing came from the prompt by Nora McInerny:
How are you really?
These thoughts “ I am enough” I find this often tickling at my psyche.
It’s reverberated through just about Every single shift of new reality I’ve seen lay before my feet.
A mantra that I fall back on for myself seems to be “If I wait until I’m ready, opportunity may not wait”.
Birthdays sorta suck for me. They still seem to carry sad weight every year. The kid that never got the party because we were poor – Or because we never stayed in one place long enough to build connections.
This folded over into adulthood. While working in the corporate setting, my birthday was the time when the office was closed for holiday. No generic office cake with manufactured smiles. Friends are busy making plans to ring in the new year! In other words no focus on honoring my day for a moment.
So I show up for myself instead!
My birthday falls on the last day of the year. This provides me with a full focus reboot. New Year’s resolutions are impersonal to me so this year I chose to change my narrative.
I now spend the day in present reflection and call upon my ancestors for guidance.
I’m remembering a friend; Art professor, some years my senior said to me while telling me her first love story – She was attending graduate school in Switzerland and fell madly in love with this lovely woman. After completing her education she left the beautiful woman and countryside. Returning back to the states because this is what she thought was her trajectory. Later recounted that she now feels had she stayed, her career and life would have been most likely filled with success.
“ I’ve missed many opportunities in life that I now see”, she said to me.
This made me do two things. Reiterate, the disownment of regret. I’ve long felt this emotion is right up there with jealousy, a somewhat lower vibration to float around in.
Back to last years birthday:
As I said I called upon ancestors for my next forward motion
And what came through was,
“See your opportunities, have presence of mind to see them and jump confidently and fearlessly into them”.
While I develop my fear-less I am learning to see opportunity and it ALWAYS HELPS TO DANCE!!!!!
I have one of those birthdays too – it was always final exams in school then college for my birthday. Then it was Jazz Fest (which was fun, for a while), and now it is Under the Flower Moon. I love your mantra to move forward without fear and think moving forward EVEN with fear is such a great approach to a life that often has scary shit going on. I spent yesterday watching Sinners while screaming and squirming for half of the movie – scary shit was going on.
I love that you love to dance and always love to share the dance floor with you.