My friend, Kat, introduced me to an album that is on repeat in my head, in my car, on my phone – Cleo Sol’s Gold album. Let me break this down for you:
The first song on the album is There Will Be No Crying. Here is some of the lyrics from this song:
The light, it covers me
‘Cause I just wanna be somebody
Darling, we
‘Cause sometimes you need, someone
I just wanna feel something real
I started listening to this song in earnest especially as things with the G-man were heating up. The sensuality of Cleo’s pacing and singing had me all up in my feelings. This part – I just wanna feel something real – went deep. My heart had arrived, after a very long hiatus, back in my body and front and center of my desire.
The next song – Reason. This part right here:
Can I be honest with you?
I hope you receive these words with grace
‘Cause I can tell that you
Won’t let down your guard or put love first
[Chorus]
There’s got to be more believers
Our life is the life that we want
Let love in for completion
Okay, my older brother accused me of being a romantic when I married my first husband. He said, “You aren’t dealing with reality, Rachel. At the end of the day, when you come home, will you be able to have a conversation with him?” My brother was shamefully accurate, but I chose to ignore him and believe in the love I was in. G-man is all about his strict boundary to remain aloof and stay a player. I decided in my (romantic) brain to create a sacred space around me with him. One where, if he chooses, he could let his guard down. I do this for me. I do it for the love I imagine.
Next song – Things Will Get Better. “If God called you at 5am/Would you get on your knees/Or would you get up and leave?” [I’m begging you, please listen to this whole album – multiple times.] This is the article Kat sent me about Gold – Phil Cook’s review on Instagram.
So by now you realize I have kept my heart locked up, safe for a very long time, and that coincidentally or not, when I set my intention to unlock and let myself be vulnerable, G-man walked in. And let’s give him credit for having that kind of BD energy that would make me respond. God sent Moses a burning bush to get his attention, and theologians believe it would take a whole lot more than that to wake folks out of their slumber these days. So I needed a big, loud push. And let’s also say that if G-man does nothing else, his presence has caused a deep thaw in my cold, cold heart. So this next song, Only Love Can Wait, is for me, not for him.
Only love can wait (Only love)
[Verse]
You are so gentle yet so hard
But it’s hard to be different
Be strong
You are the joy in others’ life
There’s times when you need someone
To be there
You have a gift inside
So why are you hiding?
Why are you hiding?
Oh, you are the way
So don’t rush your peace
It’s forever
Forever
I’ve listened to this record 100 times just like Phil Cook says in his review, and I always started at the beginning and listen to it all the way through to the very last song. Every single time, I am called to LOVE. Called, as if it were my destiny to be loved, to love, to have love in my life. I bow down to you Cleo Sol – what a beautiful and graceful soul you are to have shared your gift with me and the world.
Next song, Please Don’t End it All. Oh my, this song makes me feel so deeply for my two friends who took their life, my friend who almost took his life, for the times when I’ve considered a complete erasure myself. My friend, Flower, says, Hope Dies Last, and we all know that it is the darkest before the dawn as my father was always wont to say.
Everybody’s going through changes
Live your truth
By grace, hold my hand, don’t be afraid
So I am a romantic. AI says: “A romantic person is characterized by their tendency to express and experience love in a passionate and idealized way, often valuing emotional connection and expressing feelings openly. They might be thoughtful, giving gifts, writing love letters, or planning special dates. Romantics may also be idealistic, empathetic, and emotionally expressive.”
I cannot hear the next song without thinking of G-man, who came to me one day with his two journals in hand, lots of writing in big loopy script that I couldn’t help but notice. He wanted to talk about his past life regression, and how he had been an angel of darkness and of light and is here now on this earth to yoke these sides together in him and the world.
LOST ANGEL
I was lost
But it’s over now
I can change
I choose faith over doubt
‘Cause I know
My time will come
And through love
Our souls unite
Our Gods may be different
But they see us all the same
I can see
That I cannot exist
Without your presence
When Cleo gets to the part where she belts out I need my angel now – wow, the force of her beauty is breathtaking. I always belt out along with her in a voice that never comes out as I would imagine – I am deeply envious of vocalist – what a gift they have – but I feel it as deeply as they do. When Cleo sings about an angel, I think about G-man and his belief that he is one – dark and light – and I feel a deep connection to this idea of him.
Do I need to tell you the feelings that come up with a song titled Desire? Um, most likely not, the lyrics speak for themselves. Listen to them. In Your Own Home is so powerful:
Don’t you ever
Be afraid
In your own home
This next song, a beautiful meditation, Life Will Be:
[Chorus]
Oh, life will be
Just you believe in you
Oh, life will be
Just you believe in you
Oh, life will be
Just you believe in you
Oh, life will be
Just you believe in you
The album ends with Gold – the title track – I believe that your love is gold/I receive that your love is gold.
Each song on GOLD transports me into a world where feelings take over the realm of logic, where feel is more real than all the thought and thinking you could throw at me. I love swimming in these warm waters.
Pause. This week sent a chill into this burgeoning, wonderful energy that has been heating up with the G-man – it could be a pause? an ending? a ghosting? – my friend put on her psychic hat when I brought it up and threw my words back at me: “more will be revealed.”
The Hall has no events this weekend. I am not traveling to Arizona to see my son this weekend. This means I’m free this weekend. A rare treat. I’ve time on my hands, which has made thinking too easy. My meditation this morning was about when life tests you: it spoke about derailment being part of the package. My friend (who rarely puts on a psychic hat but happens to be down with Covid right now so she is improvising) said the same – look at this as a test. She advised me to write down what brings me joy. The meditation also urged me to re-articulate my vision, trust in time, and reclaim my power.
I want to be free. I want to feel vulnerable. I desire intimacy. I trust my gut to guide me in its direction. What a wonderful world where I have the grace to open to love, to be reminded love is not “out there”, and to come home again and again to find the profound love is in me.
