Forget Everything And Run
Face Everything And Rise
A woman mentioned this the other day in my ACA meeting. I love delving into my fear – now that I know how to recognize it. I try to cut through my mental and physical chaos to get to what I’m feeling – especially when I am nervous, excited, overstimulated, fearful and believe a person is causing these feelings. I try to sink back into individuation – one of Adam (my therapist) favorite modes to point out to me. I’ve not been good at this since I come from a very enmeshed family system. So now I’m trying to be more accurate in reading – this person is not causing me to feel this way, I am pulling from something deep within me. From the past me. From the wreckage of me.
When I feel overwhelmed around someone, it registers as if they are overpowering me. And it’s here I have to face this fear and rise up with awareness or boundaries, my sense of my self, and my need to calm down. I have decades and years of reactivity – of trying to jump into the rhythm of the other, to react to someone else’s fear and emotion – really forgoing my own need to calm my own ass down.
I have felt this way around my own son. He will energetically overwhelm me, and I feel instantly at sea, unable to find any footing, and it has taken a lot of therapy to breathe, focus, and stand in my own power. This is – and I don’t want to use the ubiquitous trope of trauma – but it is a learned response to chaos, overwhelm and feeling out of control from my childhood among those people who coulda, shoulda, woulda made the younger me feel safe if only they knew how.
So I’m trying to reach my edges and not feel like I’m free falling. This requires a lot of attention and intention of my part. You can’t overwhelm me. I am grounded. I could breathe. I could pay attention to what is happening in my body and respond with my need. I could say I need a break. I could face you and rise for me.
A person who you feel nervous and excited around is both attractive and more than likely triggering your insecurity. If we were going to make a list of my insecurities, there are so many that I didn’t know I had until I became a parent. My son arouses these feelings of insecurity in me: am I a good enough parent, will I know how to respond to what I need, he needs, we need in this moment? Will I fuck this up? A romantic interest arouses nervous excitement – all the triggers of do I want you, do you want me, will you hurt me, will I hurt you?
I credit therapy with learning what I need. It has been a long journey to me. Today, when i say I need x – there is no equivocation in my mind. I know it. I know me. I need love and self actualization. I need to belong.
