And to all a goodnight
It’s just possible that getting enough sleep, not having any cocktails, and catching up on all your reading may be bad for you – because when all the rushing stops, all of those little players in your mind that you have benched for the time being suddenly all want to be the starring quarterback in your show. It’s exhausting – the battle royal waged in one’s own mind.
I saw E this afternoon and she said my pendulum was still stuck on the other side – having swung so far away from where I began. In her soothing way, she said, it will find its way back to middle in time.
I felt more peaceful when I left her office and I came home and worked out for an hour, even though I had worked out this morning. I just had more in me to get rid of, peaceful or not. Then I came upstairs and turned my IPOD to the Christmas playlist and wrapped all the kiddies’ presents.
Finally, I made my way to the couch to read – Arlene snuggling as close to me as she can get – following me around, under my heels, jumping in my lap as I read the backlogged newspapers. Eager for love. Eager to be touched – isn’t that a fear of fears? I recall going to M for a massage around July and when she touched me, I smiled and said, thankfully, I was worried I wasn’t ever going to be touched again. She laughed.
So in the flannel pjs that my friend in California (L) bought me many Christmases ago, and with Silent Night playing on the IPOD, and all the papers read, and all the presents wrapped, I thought of all the wonder I have known and feel grateful for this life.