And this time …
I woke screaming in the middle of the night because the man I loved was with a statuesque blonde named Wayfair. Since Wayfair is one of the spam emails I get daily, I had to chuckle despite being a little disconcerted about the dream. Rodger Kamenetz says you have to look for other touch points in the dream, how was I feeling, behaving, who else was there? It’s not so much that things represent other things as in death represents birth, but more how are you responding and behaving? My sister was there who had betrayed me, my friend’s stepfather who told me the LaLa was cursed and who wouldn’t return to work there was lurking in the hallway, Wayfair – was there all iconic U.S. beauty blonde hair and blue eyes, and my ex was there who had cheated me out of so many dreams; I became apoplectic, hysterical, and distraught.
The odd thing was that yesterday I was talking a friend off the ledge and saying what works for me is to remember that there is a negative tape playing in my head that says you can’t, this will go wrong, there is no such thing as love, and who succeeds? And at what price? I told her we have to have a tool, behavioral modification to work against this endless loop of hopelessness.
I was speaking to another mother as Tin was having his music lesson and she said that we are told to be in a box and that we accept the terms of that imprisonment. There is no box – it’s all a lie – a story they tell you to control you and keep you down. But how do you break out of it – how do you travel light when you want art on your walls, mementos from trips, books to read and comfortable furniture? She said you don’t form attachments. You have them, but you don’t grip them – you give them away freely and accept them freely. Don’t grip. Don’t become emotionally involved with inanimate objects.
Be prepared to let it all go and obviously that means past slights, past loves, and past heartaches. The nightmare was about holding onto disappointment, about railing at being wronged, about having no control. That dream was a direct result of seeing friends who have newly fallen in love and having no faith in their dream because of my own script. That dream was about the conversation I had with my friend on the ledge and not believing my words myself. That dream was about standing there speaking to the mother who said to get out of the box, and as we were speaking another mother walked up with an elephant wrap skirt on and I said, “Oh I love that skirt.” And she said, “I’m going to give it to you.” The first mother said, “See, she is prepared to let it go if it makes you happy.”
When I went to walk Stella I started to play the usual script, the one that says, today I have to walk Stella and it’s dark outside, and I’m not losing weight despite all my efforts, and I have a lot of work to do but have this debt I need to address, and my house isn’t clean, and when will I exercise, and how come I didn’t hear back from … . I took a deep breath, and I stretched my mind out of its usual configuration and said today will be different. This time it will work. This time I will lose weight through my efforts. This time my dreams will come true. This time love will not betray me or I betray love. This time it will be different.
