The romantic in me must be slayed
I took the dogs for a walk after the storm and it started pouring down rain. But hey, I don’t have hair, so what do I care? I was just going to get wet and either you are wet from the heat and humidity or you are wet from warm rainfall.
We walked down the bayou and a pelican flew by. Out of season.
The trees were down, the houses boarded up, there was a stillness that storms always bring to the area – something still inside me as well. I’m a hopeless romantic – I realized that as I walked along the bayou – I really do believe in the fantasy of life’s potential.
A brass band at night, a banjo in the late afternoon, old houses beaten by the storm, a duck mama with many ducklings (out of season) waddling along the banks of the bayou.
I’m cursed I thought as I walked and soaked in rain, memories, the aftermath of yet another storm, the bayou, the birds, the architecture, the what? What is the question I keep wondering to myself. Silently. I’m not screaming on the outside, it’s only occasionally on the inside.
I spoke to a good friend and described my trip and my state of mind and she said, “Well it sounds like you have a zen attitude about it all” and I said to myself afterwards – is it zen, is it apathy, have I crossed too far into indifference – the true opposite of love?
Numb I am. But something on my walk awakened my true nature – the romantic who gets carried away by nature, by thoughts, by deeds. I cried when I parted Zagreb telling my mother in law that I’m so happy she loves Tin because I wish my mother was alive to be a grandmother to my son – because and this is because my grandmother was so IMPORTANT to me in my life. She didn’t have to fall in love with Tin – but she did. And this moves me to tears.
My friend who has a shop in Zahara gives us little presents all the time and I tell her she is supposed to be selling stuff not giving it to us – I cried when we parted.
When my dear friend in Zahara left ahead of us, I stood in our patio surrounded by bougainvillea and cried – I was not ready for her to leave – I only have two weeks with her a year.
As I made the bend of the bayou, the rain had grown more forceful and my stride more rapid and tears commingled with the rain and I thought of all the great books I’ve read, and the movies I’ve seen and I couldn’t help but remember one line that always haunts me – Bladerunner – Rutger Hauer (he made this up, it wasn’t scripted, and but it’s the most haunting line from a movie that I could remember): “and yet all those moments in time will be lost like tears in rain.”