Up up and away
I realized yesterday or rather it was pointed out to me that all of my “new life” talk wasn’t actually in practice. My nurse friend in the park said the reason that woman couldn’t get a vein and stabbed me so many times is she didn’t know what she was doing because she had not found perfect practice. “Perfect practice,” she said, it’s what my teacher used to tell us but I never knew what it meant. “It means doing your best work.”
She could have saved me from nearly passing out. That aside it was determined that I still don’t have enough meds in me so we upped the dose yet again and will revisit my levels when I return from abroad. Abroad? That’s right, we are leaving in days – and whoa be unto us because there is much to be done between then and now.
Which brings me to my own practice. Yesterday, I got caught up in a lot of other people’s needs – one wanted me to come do this, one wanted me to go do that, and I found myself feeling tugged and stressed because of it. My partner – T – said forget all of that just lie down and relax. And of course, I looked at her like she was an alien. And she is. Alien to me who seems to have super issues with saying no – it’s her favorite word.
Today, my dear friend told me that “No” is an answer too. Really? I said aloud. NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.
Yesterday, another friend watched me trying to text, trying to listen, trying to greet, trying to get peaches (they were already gone) from the green market, and trying and trying and she said, “Why are you doing this? Only do what makes you happy.”
Really? I said aloud.
So the deadline has come and gone and I made it in by the skin of my teeth. The preparation to leave the country for two months is underway. The meds have been upped. All of this is headed in the direction it should be, but if I don’t learn to say no between now and tomorrow what’s it all for?