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I’ve taken on too much by way of things to do that got added to my things to do and now I’m crashing and burning every day at around the same time – about 5ish my brain waves flatten and I’m incapable of even making small decisions like should I sit or stand, should I eat or not?

Yesterday, in this catatonic state, I got one of the last of the Strawberry Abitas and my book and ambled out to my terrace where the cactus have brought life to an otherwise stark environment and sat back and read my book.

There is a certain part of me that is worth amputating and it is the part of me that doesn’t feel as if I deserve, is that the word?, need to relax. I’m like a beast of burden, the donkey with the basket over its back that someone keeps adding wheat and chaff too but it doesn’t break me. Only now my mind takes over and it is a whirling dervish in there – gotta do gotta do gotta do – almost reminds me of the first song that Tin composed which was goonda, goonda, goonda.

His new song is its nada boon, its nada boon, its nada boon, danda lada.

Meanwhile, back to the hush that takes over my mind – when the gotta do’s set in, I find myself going into autopilot and just trying to do as much as I possible can, yet at the same time, this leaves me bereft of any feeling of accomplishment because when you are working off of five simultaneous to-do lists, none of them get completed.

Nonattachment – this is not a non sequitor – remember I should not be attached to the outcome – I’m working towards this process – why does it not come?

So in the midst of feeling like I cannot do all that I have set out to do, I then start this part of the brain synopsis, the part that says you are not really a good person, you are a lazy person, because you have not accomplished all you set out to do. On Saturday Night Live many years ago they had the Jamaican stint where the woman said, “What you only have five jobs, laaaaazy mon,” and that’s me – must be Jamaican in a previous lifetime.

But having five jobs may not give you the same overarching feeling that having five to do lists that never get accomplished gives you – this is more like Sisyphus with the continuous unsatisfactory motion.

Yesterday, I realized that juggling all of these universes simultaneously had put me in the awkward position of wanting to retreat to my lair, the terrace, and to recoil from others and anyone that might provide me with one more thing to do. Of course, I brought a pad and pen out should I remember something.

This entry was posted on Friday, April 8th, 2011 at 6:36 am and is filed under Main. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.